Man's Best Friends- XIII

(at the main room of Brian's apartment with Thomas, Mike and David)
Brian (man): (ecstatic) Can you believe it? She naturally likes me! She naturally likes me?
Thomas (cat): Wait Brian, she didn't say she liked you. She said she was acting as if she was dating a stranger.
Mike (dog): Yeah so?
Brian: Yeah so what Thomas?
Thomas: So? So she would be that way with a stranger but you're not a stranger you've known her for months, you are well established in the friend zone.
Brian: Friend zone? What is this a cheesy NBC sex comedy?
Thomas: No more like HBO you're not in high school anymore sport. You have to analyze everything in the worst light possible so you don't over assume yourself toward her.
Brian: What?
Thomas: That didn't make any sense but what I meant was you should always assume the worst interpretation of any verbal or non-verbal statements.
Brian: Why?
Thomas: That way you don't embarrass yourself by being over presumptuous
David (hamster): Don't listen to Thomas. Worrying about the worst outcome only adds anxiety which only leads to self-fulfilled failure.
Mike: Then why do you always assume the worse?
David: I suffer from paranoia and depression you can't just escape that sort of mindset at will.
Brian: (looking around the room panicking) Well what do I do then? (doorbell rings) Is it Friday?
Mike: No it's not. It's Wednesday.
Thomas: That was yesterday.
Brian: (panicking) Well what does that make today?
Mike: God you are nervous. Thursday comes after Wednesday. Friday is tomorrow.
Brian: Well I'll go get the door then (walks to the door and opens it to find Elizabeth at the door) Oh hi Elizabeth how are you, what are you doing here it's Thursday?
Elizabeth (librarian): Yes I do have a calendar and I did look at it this morning. But the reason why I'm here is because sometimes couples meet each other between dates.
Brian: (laughs shyly) Wow you are committed to this whole practice thing.
Elizabeth: Well you should be glad.
Brian: Of course I am it means I get to see more of you.
Elizabeth: (grins) Ah that is so-oo sweet Brian.
Brian: I just get nervous around people especially when they come unexpectedly.
Elizabeth: You never came to someone's place unexpectedly?
Brian: No I have few friends and hardly have the nerve to leave my home here.
Elizabeth: Well are you busy right now?
Brian: (honestly) Yeah I've been trying to work on this article I've been wanting to send to this music magazine.
Elizabeth: Rolling Stone?
Brian: No the Memphis Music Monthly. But I did write this one article for Dog Fancy just this past week called "Why Dogs Make Better Wingmen"
Elizabeth: Oh wow when does that come out?
Brian: Well I just got an email from their editor and they'll print it in next month but I should get the check some time this week about $400
Elizabeth: So you don't work for any particular magazine how does that work?
Brian: Great I don't have to write on one topic week after week.
Elizabeth: No I mean how does the employment arrangement work out? Like how do they hire freelance writers?
Brian: Well I just started when I was twelve sending in my writings into magazines and they just had to start paying me.
Elizabeth: Really?
Brian: Yeah well technically I'm unemployed and the Bureau of Vocational Resources tried putting me through job placement but after several jobs didn't work out they got in contact with some major magazine corporations and see if they would hire a part time writer from their welfare offices and they found a few that would hire and as long as I keep in contact with the editors and keep writing articles I can make some money without welfare but I did start writing articles to major magazines since I was twelve, but without the BVR I wouldn't be getting paid for it.
Elizabeth: One quick tip don't rant and if you do avoid the topics of unemployment and welfare.
Brian: Well why didn't you stop me?
Elizabeth: Well that would be rude.
Brian: Oh should we start all over?
Elizabeth: No just back to that music article you were writing. So what is it called?
Brian: Oh uh "Twenty Five Love Songs For Men Who Don't Like Love Songs"
Elizabeth: Oh well what's on the list?
Brian: A lot of oldies.
Elizabeth: Do you find oldies more romantic?
Brian: Well yeah love songs were less hedonistic and more caring back then.
Elizabeth: Well like what oldies songs are on the list?
Brian: I have a mix tape I'll play it at dinner tomorrow. You don't mind steaks again? It's the only thing I know how to cook otherwise I'll have to bring back fast food on my way back home from the bus ride.
Elizabeth: Fine but could I know what some of those songs are?
Brian: Wow you seem sincerely interested.
Elizabeth: Well that's because I am. I'd like to know what you consider romantic music.
Brian: Well "In My Life" by the Beatles tops the list nexto "Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrill.
Elizabeth: Why those songs?
Brian: Well they're honest. They don't make unfulfilled promises and say flattering half truths yet they are the most complimentary compositions mankind may ever hear because it comes from sincere love.
Elizabeth: That was extraordinarily articulate and beautiful. What are some others on the list?
Brian: "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton, "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys "Cant Help Falling In Love" by Elvis and..
Elizabeth: Elvis Costello? (Brian stares blankly) I'm joking (both laugh)
Brian: No, no then it wouldn't be love songs for people who hate love songs, but (thought hits him and he responds spastically) oh I almost forgot "If Not For You" written by Bob Dylan, but for those who don't care for Dylan there's the George Harrison version. And one last one I have to tell you about and then you'll just have to read it by yourself when you get the magazine.
Elizabeth: But the Memphis Music Monthly doesn't come to Minnesota?
Brian: Oh yeah well just one more before you get bored of listening to me.
Elizabeth: I'm fascinated, my grandparents listened to the same music at their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
Brian: I didn't know fiftieth anniversaries still existed.
Elizabeth: I didn't know Beatles fans still existed until I met you.
Brian: Oh "Till There Was You" from The Music Man
Elizabeth: Wow did you live with The Golden Girls?
Brian: Okay so old love songs are my guilty pleasure, so I like silly love songs what's wrong with that
Elizabeth: (singing) I'd like to know.
Brian: (joining in) because here I go again
Together: (harmonizing) I love you
Brian: Well let's save the rest of our banter for tomorrow. (Nervously) Should I kiss you goodbye?
Elizabeth: I'd love to (gives a quick kiss on the lips)
Brian: You are such a kiss teaser!
Elizabeth: (laughs in shock) Ahh What--tt?
Brian: (flirtatiously in his non casual awkward way) Yeah after all that romantic conversation and climatic build up all I get is a quick peck?
Elizabeth: Well what do you expect?
Brian: This (grabs her closely one arm around her waist and one arm around her shoulders leaning in to kiss her) oh my God i am so so very sorry please please-ease forgive me you don't have to come over tomorrow just don't be mad at me and I really love you as my friend.
Elizabeth: That's alright but other women might not like that and I normally don't but I understand you
Brian: (remorsefully and embarrassed) No you don't (shutting the door)
Elizabeth: (holding the door open) Look. Maybe hearing that somebody understands you is a strange seemingly impossible concept and maybe I don't but I do understand a lot about you and your ways.
Brian: You make it sound like a bleeding anthropology documentary.
Elizabeth: It bleeding well is because you have your own culture, your own world and your own universe but everybody does and the reason I care so much about yours is because you don't act like the center of your own universe or at least you don't expect others to be in orbit of you.
Brian: Before I say anything else could you answer me one question?
Elizabeth: What?
Brian: Exactly how do you like me?
Elizabeth: Like Roxanne loved Cyrano. Other than that I don't know how to answer. Loving you as a person lead me to loving you as a friend which for me inevitably lead me to loving you like a mate. I don't know if like a soulmate. I don't even know f I have one. But I love you.
Brian: Sexually?
Elizabeth: No more than that. If it were only romantic or sexual I wouldn't do small talk with you. I wouldn't have gone on practice dates with you if it was just sexual attraction. You're not just a guy friend and you're not quite a boyfriend. I have an intimate fondness for you that most women don't have for their boyfriends. They skip right pass it and take it for granted. And as much as you remain reclusive and stay in your own world I know and understand you don't take friendship for granted.
Brian: Like a thirsty man doesn't take water for granted in the desert.
Elizabeth: No like a musician doesn't take his instrument for granted. You love others because you are truly in love with love itself not because you need it. You know what a wonderful feeling it is and I almost took that feeling for granted until I met you. Now I'm going to kiss you because I know we both want to (she plunges in and kisses him on the living room couch)
David: So much for the worst case scenario Thomas
Mike: Hey I'm just as shocked as you are by this Thomas.
Thomas: I'm not
Mike: What then why did you ask him to scrutinize himself?
Thomas: Because she like him for him, and what he is happens to be an overly worried hopeless romantic. The scrutiny caused him to let go of any pretentious facade he might put on during a date mainly to impress her. It would have been detrimental since he already impressed her.

The End Of Pilot Episode of Man's Best Friends

Man's Best Friends- Scene XII

(at Elizabeth's house)
(Brian rings bell and Elizabeth answers)
Elizabeth (librarian): Hi Brian
Brian (man): (peering inside) Wow what a large house
Elizabeth: (laughing) Well come inside and take a look at how big it is from the inside
Brian: (walking in) Well you know I went to Carlsbad Cavern and Mammoth Cave and they looked rather small on the outside but were immensely large on the inside, but that's how cave's work I guess (looks inside and sees lit scented candles and potpourri and a set table, Brian looks nervous)
Elizabeth: Don't worry this is just a practice date.
Brian: (puzzled) A practice date? Do you always have these preliminary auditions for all potential dates?
Elizabeth: No this is just practice for you so you can know what to do on a date. Since practicing with either of you two sisters would just seem creepy to you I was the only possible alternative.
Brian: You're the only one possible but you're certainly not an alternative you're the first pick.
Elizabeth: (sweet and friendly) Oh that's so sweet you're doing great already.
Brian: (hopeful) So you liked that.
Elizabeth: (casually) Yes (time passes as Brian and Elizabeth are dining on steak at the dining room table) Now I made steak since I know it's one of the few dinner foods you eat and I thought for a first practice date you should have something you are comfortable with.
Brian: (shyly) Thank you
Elizabeth: (smiling with head tilted) Well you are welcomed. Besides it gives me a chance to put my dad's old grill to some use it's been sitting in my backyard for years unused. I don't typically eat grilled food except grilled chicken which I get passing a Subway's or such.
Brian: Well do you like the steak?
Elizabeth: Well do you?
Brian: Yes of course you even made it well done just how I like it.
Elizabeth: Thank you and I like it too even though it's not on my diet.
Brian: What diet? Atkins? The Zone?
Elizabeth: Oh god no. Just the old fashion chicken and fish diet. No meat except chicken and fish.
Brian: The only diet with any merit is the kosher diet (correcting himself) which is basically a less strict form of the chicken and fish diet and an even less strict form of the vegetarian diet.
Elizabeth: (laughs) I love your conversation style.
Brian: It's the only style I have. (Elizabeth laughs again) Thanks for being so amused most people just find me awkward.
Elizabeth: Well you're the only guy I know with any personality.
Brian: Really?
Elizabeth: Well the only one with a nice personality.
Brian: A nice personality doesn't mean as much to most women as being normal does, what makes you different?
Elizabeth: Because in twenty four years experience I've learned a nice personality, being normal and being male are three things that don't go together. and seeing you make such a struggle to get to get to know me shows you really care for me. This experiment was not just for you
Brian: (intrigued) Really?
Elizabeth: I just wanted to have a date where I know the guy won't pressure me to have sex on the first date once I say no once.
Brian: (anxious) Well I know what it's like to be under pressure in fact the non-sexual part of the date is a huge pressure for most men. I know sex is not a small issue but most men men feel rejected if the date doesn't go that way.
Elizabeth: But you always seemed like that minute percent of men who don't worry about sex on the first date.
Brian: (anxious) I fear failure, which is why most men want sex so quickly, but that's why I'm so shy about it. But it's a double edged sword because I still feel failure to connect to a date unless they become comfortable with me sexually.
Elizabeth: Well I'm comfortable with you sexually that's why I'm talking about it with you, and I'm comfortable emotionally with you as well but that doesn't mean I want to take sex or the person I'm with, for that matter, for granted. I would want to fully appreciate you, the love we would share and the mutual sexual affection we would have for each other before being sexual with you and even then I would want it in the most respectable, romantic and passionate way possible for me and my perspective mate.
Brian: In that case any man should feel like a king who wins your sexual affection.
Elizabeth: (curiously) That's the first time I've heard you say sex in a normal comfortable way.
Brian: Sex always kinda felt like a dirty thing till you just described it.
Elizabeth: Well thank you (times passes and they are at her door)
Brian: So may I ask you for a second practice date?
Elizabeth: When?
Brian: Anytime you want I'm always free. I'm a paid man with no work hours so I'm always available for you.
Elizabeth: (steps closer to him holding his hands) Now that's what a woman wants to hear.
Brian: Huh? I always thought it was "no you don't look fat in those jeans"
Elizabeth: (giggles and gently kisses him) How about Friday at eight?
Brian: (anxious) Great where should we meet?
Elizabeth: (adoringly) Ahhh you're getting all anxious again.
Brian: (anxious) Well yeah
Elizabeth: Is the intimacy intimidating you?
Brian: (in relative relief) Well-ll yeah just because I don't know whether to interpret this as still the practice date or if this is just your natural emotions?
Elizabeth: Everything I'm doing is practice (Brian looks hurt and Elizabeth laughs) but you should know it wouldn't be a good practice date if I didn't naturally.
Brian: And what is naturally?
Elizabeth: I am acting totally as if I were dating a stranger. (Brian grins boyishly) Oh yeah and I'll go over to your place next time.

Man's Best Friends- Scene XI

(at Brian's apartment by the computer with David in his cage sleeping with Brian typing)
Brian (man): Hey (looking up at David) Why don't you exercise? It will help with your depression.
David (hamster): Not with my heart problems.
Brian: What heart problems?
David: Paranoia destroys your heart, the anxiety does hell to your arteries and valves.
Brian: Who says?
David: The Internet Doctor says
Brian: You get on the Internet?
David: Yes
Brian: You know my password?
David: Brian26
Brian: Yes well that explains why there are all those rodent webpages on my Internet history. I was getting worried about that. (Mike walks in)
Mike (dog): Now I remember where I heard the name Bettie before, wasn't that the name of that crazy rabbit you once owned? You know the one with anger management problems.
David: I don't remember him.
Mike: It was before you were here. As a matter of fact I think there's some reason why I'm (embarrassed) not suppose to bring him up in front of you.
David: I'm a replacement for some stupid rapid rabbit?
Mike: Oh no that's not why we're not suppose to mention it, you were the replacement to Terry the fish who replaced the rabbit anyway, it's because Brian asked Tommy to kill it.
David: (squeaking in horror) You let Tommy kill a pet! You kept this a secret! How long before you gonna let him eat me?
Mike: Hopefully not long if you keep squeaking like that.
Brian: I had Tommy kill Bettie because he was attacking all the people and animals that came into the apartment.
David: It was a rabbit how violent could it be?
Brian: It was a vicious rabbit, you should have seen the scars he left on the Jehovah's Witnesses that came around here, you can't most of them won't come back and the neighbors decided to give my rabbit a medal then he attacked the neighbors and they moved.
Mike: That poor nine year old Laotian girl had to get a skin transplant now she's part African-American
Thomas (cat): (walking in) Don't you mean part black, she didn't change her heritage. (phone rings Brian gets up to answer it)
Brian: Hello...Oh hi Elizabeth how are you?...Well that's great...Sure I'll come over...alone... sure...okay goodbye. (hangs up) Okay Mike watch out for David and make sure he doesn't get killed or commit suicide (leaves apartment and re-enters) I forgot my shoes (takes shoes and leaves)

Man's Best Friends- Scene X

(Brian at the park with Mike, Thomas and David in a glass jar with holes on the lid)
Brian (man): (frustrated) Happy David.
David (hamster): Oh yeah I just love all the fresh air and exercise.
Thomas (cat): (sarcastically) I could chase you around the park if you want fresh air and exercise.
Mike (dog): I gotta pee (gets up and goes to the bushes)
Brian: Thomas, how come you haven't gone you've been sitting here with us for two hours.
Thomas: Who said I haven't gone?
Mike: Sick, by the way, is Elizabeth meeting us here or not?
Brian: No I just thought a nice day out would do us all good.
Mike: Well I see her coming with her cat Bettie.
Elizabeth (librarian): (holding Bettie) Hello Brian, Mike, Thomas and I see you brought David.
Brian: (looking down embarrassingly) Yeah (talking to David) you see she does know about you.
Elizabeth: I love how you talk to animals as if they were people.
Brian: (Still looking down) Well they seem more human than humans.
Elizabeth: But they can't talk?
Brian: (looking at her) But they do communicate.
Elizabeth: (sarcastically) Telepathically I suppose
Brian: (serious) Sort of
Elizabeth: (looks serious again) I think I actually know what you mean. But if you can communicate with animals how come you can appear so empathetic and apathetic toward people though?
Brian: It's my gift.
Elizabeth: (laughs) Yeah a gift.
Brian: But what do you mean about apathetic and empathetic toward people?
Elizabeth: (concentrating) Well I keep trying to read you emotionally and see how you feel about various people especially me.
Brian: (shocked) Especially you?
Elizabeth: You see, you can seem apathetic and demeaning in your tone but empathetic and concerned by your body language or sometimes vice versa. Like you have two motives and you can't hide either.
Brian: (distracted) Great but what did you mean by especially you?
Elizabeth: You're always concerned about how women feel about you when it feels as if you're having conflicting feelings about the women you talk to.
Brian: (unconcerned) Yeah great but what do you mean especially you?
Elizabeth: You know most men I talk to can't focus, but you can, just never on the subject at hand.
Brian: Yeah bu...
Elizabeth: I mean that you seem to spend a lot of time around me so I think how you act around me is the natural you if there is a natural you if one can say there's an unnatural you. You can very instinctual but nervous and apprehensive at the same time.
Brian: Why are you so fascinated by me?
Elizabeth: You're different.
Brian: Everybody says that but not everybody is fascinated by me obviously.
Elizabeth: Not everyone finds being different fascinating just look at tv.
Brian: (laughs) That's all I do
(Bettie runs off Elizabeth's arms and chases a squirrel)
Elizabeth: Bettie come back here (running after Bettie while Mike runs blocking Bettie from the squirrel as Elizabeth picks up Bettie) Your dog sure is protective of the squirrels.
Brian: I raised him to love all animals (Mike attacks Thomas) Mike no stop that.
Elizabeth: (laughing) You'll make a wonderful parent some day
Brian: (nervously as he takes all his pets) Yeah well I better get going I have a lot of things to do back home.
Elizabeth: Just as well I was just on my lunch break and it's about over.
Brian: Yeah well bye (walks sheepishly away)

Man's Best Friends -Scene IX

(Back at Brian's apartment with Brian walking to the refrigerator taking out a coke and a sandwich walking to the computer and turning the tv on via remote control)
Brian (man): (looks around) David, have you seen Thomas or Mike?
David (hamster): I overheard something about an escape and a plan. I don't know if the plan and the escape had anything to do with each other. I didn't pay attention.
Brian: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot David.
David: (indignantly) Hey I was busy running around that stupid wheel you got in here for me. It's the only thing I can look forward to, not that it's a bleeding amusement park or something.
Brian: (worried) Why would they run away? Why would they...
David: (interrupting remembering something) Oh yeah it had something to do with Elizabeth.
Brian: What of any concern is Elizabeth to Mike or Thomas?
David: Mike is trying to get her attention and when she recognizes Mike your dog she'll return him to you.
Brian: (frustrated) This is why I don't let him watch Lassie. (Doorbell rings) Who would be coming over here at...(turns to look at the oven) nine o clock on a (looks at calendar) Saturday morning?
David: Jehovah's Witnesses?
Brian: I'm surprised they even come at all. All I can do is take the magazines and abruptly leave. I'm no good at talking with strangers. (Looks out the door hole). Looks like Elizabeth is at the door, maybe I'll convert. (opens door)
Elizabeth: (holding a leash to Mike) Hi Brian your dog somehow run over to my house I just thought I should return him.
Brian: (disappointed) Oh you got him on a leash
Elizabeth: (concerned) Ah yeah why?
Brian: (shyly) Well I just know he doesn't happen to like leashes.
Elizabeth: (comfortably) Well he didn't seem to mind with me. (Thomas jumped over to Elizabeth and walks a figure eight around her legs) Wow your pets sure do love me.
Brian: Well I'll take them off your hands.
Elizabeth: I don't mind they are a lot friendlier than my cat.
Brian: Your black cat named Bettie.
Elizabeth: Wow you have a good memory.
Brian: Well you're welcome to come over and play with my pets anytime you want.
Elizabeth: I prefer meeting each other in the park.
Brian: Okay, so how are enjoying Cyrano De Bergerac?
Elizabeth: I have a problem with the main character.
Brian: (anxious) You do? What? What's the problem?
Elizabeth: He was brave in every way except the one way that mattered most.
Brian: What was that?
Elizabeth: He did everything out of love for Roxanne but wasn't brave enough to assume his love for her was nothing for her to be ashamed of.
Brian: Yeah I hate people like that.
Elizabeth: I bet you do. Well see you later. (walking away)
Brian: How about tomorrow at six o clock at the park?
Elizabeth: (looking back grinning) I'll bring Bettie if you bring Mike and Thomas.
Brian: You got a deal (shuts door)
David: I can tell she doesn't like me. She didn't even invite me.
Brian: How could she? She doesn't know about you.
David: (indignantly) You didn't tell her about me?
Brian: Oh yeah. Well I told her about Thomas when I found out she was a cat person and she met Mike when I walked him a few months ago.
David: Yeah right you just don't want to admit you have a hamster.
Brian: I'm very proud to have a hamster. Many great people own hamsters like "Weird Al" Yankovic.
David: That's not my point. You're embarrassed by what a dorky childish pet you have.
Brian: Hamsters just don't pop up in conversations that often.
David: (mockingly) Yeah I wonder why.
Brian: I'm going to bed. (walks away)
Thomas: But it's nine o clock in the morning?
Brian: Good night (slams bedroom door)

Man's Best Friends Scene VIII

(Mike at Elizabeth's Victorian House, her room by the front door with a window)
Mike (dog): Now to ring the doorbell (reaching for the bell, then stops). Wait I can't ring the bell I have to bark. Man it's a hassle dealing with normal people. (Barks in an obnoxious yelping style, lights turn on inside)
Elizabeth (librarian): (exasperating sigh) That neighbor's dog again. It never shuts up. (rolls over in bed as seen from a window by the front door)
Mike: What the he- I went all the way here from Cardinal no Princeton Road, just to get shut out. Hell no I'm getting in (Tries to jump in through window) Ah I'll just wait at the library. How far is Martin Luther King from here? (Elizabeth opens the front door to let her cat out)
Elizabeth: There you go kitty. (Mike barks loudly chasing the cat as it screeches out of sight) Oh darn Brian's dog what's it's name? Thomas? David? No that's the hamster. Wait Mike (Yells) Mike Mike come on over here (playfully gentle) Come here Mike come on come on over here.
Mike: (turns around) Elizabeth what are you doing here? (walks over to Elizabeth as she reaches down to pet him) Oh yeah she can't hear me
Elizabeth: Ah sweet baby what are you doing here?
Mike: You answer me first crazy lady you can't hear me anyway.
Elizabeth: Stay here until I come back with Bettie my cat (walk down the street to get Bettie)
Mike: I gotta do something about my reaction to cats. Why do I attack them? Was I raised that way? Brian never wanted me to attack but then my biological father had a strong feline prejudice. When did I become him? (Elizabeth comes walking back with Bettie in her arms)
Bettie: Screw you, you dumb mangy mutt.
Mike: I think I found my answer. Didn't even give me time to apologize that ugly puss.
Elizabeth: God it's only five o clock in the morning. I could return Mike before work but I don't know his schedule.
Mike: (sarcastically) I believe he has a business meeting at the office with the tv, the computer and the fridge. (pants in laughter)
Elizabeth: Oh wait today's Saturday. I don't work today. I'll wait until nine and then (lifting and rubbing Mike) I'll take you home.
Mike: (relaxed) Um a cuddler Brian is gonna love you.

Man's Best Friends Scene VII

(Night time at the park same as Scene III)
Mike (dog): Finally a nice place to pee (relieves himself) okay now to take Brian home. Hey where's Brian? Oh my God where's Brian? I've lost Brian. Where did he go? I hate when he wanders off. (sense of relief) Oh right I ran away, but why? Maybe I could ask Elizabeth? No wait she doesn't have the gift. That's right I'm suppose to go to her and talk to her about... oh wait she can't talk to me. Let's see how did I get here? I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom, argued with Thomas, gnawed on my butt, took a walk, and I tried to get Brian to speak with Elizabeth and that didn't work so we went back and he typed his article for the dating magazine and (puzzled) what was I talking about? (Thomas comes walking by)
Thomas (cat): You were going to Elizabeth's so she can return you to Brian, just as he starts to notice you're missing.
Mike: So why are you here Thomas?
Thomas: To make sure you get to her before he really starts to worry about you.
Mike: Well you should go back and distract him so he doesn't notice any quicker.
Thomas: Elizabeth lives on Cardinal Lane.
Mike: I knew that
Thomas: Yes knew, hence past tense just reminding you, Cardinal Lane.
Mike: Well I didn't forget. She lives on Cardinal Lane.
Thomas: And Brian lives on Princeton Road.
Mike: (aggravated, growling) Get out smart-elic
Thomas: Fine but if you're gone for more than three days I'm telling Brian everything (licks front paws three times and scampers off)

Man's Best Friends Scene VI

(main apartment room same as Scene IV)
Thomas (cat): Done already?
Brian (man): Yeah, emailed it to Mr. Jenkins already.
Mike (dog): Why do you call him Mr. Jenkins?
Brian: Because that's his name
Mike: No, I mean how come you don't call him by his Christian name?
Brian: Oh, well I never met him.
Thomas: What about during the interview process?
Brian: That was with human resources.
Thomas: So you trust your personal work with a complete stranger but can't have a casual conversation with a woman you have been pining after and studying for the past god knows how many months?
Brian: (embarrassed) Well that is one way of looking at it. I'll check my emails (leaves)
Mike: That's it I'm running away to the library tomorrow morning when Elizabeth starts work there. Then when she sees me she'll recognize me and take me back to Brian and then he'll have to talk to her.
Thomas: He'll still avoid any conversation with her but don't let that keep you from fulfilling my dreams.
David: Of eating me?
Thomas: Get off yourself already for a depressed paranoid hamster you sure do have your mind set on yourself.
Mike: Well as much as I love this little day drama I think I'll tune out early. (leaves out the window)

Man's Best Friends Scene V

(Brian on bed alone with his laptop)
Brian: (typing inner monologue) In today's world of less talk save time more action get yours and get going civilians need their accessories, possessions and clothes to do the quick talking for them and varying from culture to culture certain visible attributes communicate many different things. One way of cultural speech is the pets we own. Cats, dogs and birds are the most common pets and we have particular character types drawn on each type of pet owner. If you own a hamster it says that you are either eight years old or else very strange. If you own a cat you are feminine and proper or somewhat passively affectionate and laid back. If you own a bird you typically are a pining distant person who prefers affection through barriers and the same goes for fish owners who also want control over their objects of affection rather than actual affection. But dog owners not through popularity but though massive media images nailed into the cognitive minds of people our views on dogs and therefore dog owners varies breed to breed. The larger the dog the tougher the dog owner hence most women if they choose dogs they pick small dogs to show daintiness and frailness. You likewise won't see many men with Chihuahuas or poodles unless they don't mind the same mental image imposed upon the dog. Pitbulls and Rottweilers show toughness or a territorial nature and the owners are usually typecasting themselves as bad boys. Anyone who loves a mutt shows love as a priority over status quo and will win the affection of women who are insecure of themselves but still respect themselves too much to date a bad boy. Dogs are more popular for the diverse personal traits each breed portrays whereas cats, birds and fish show more vague images of personality. Vague is hard to stereotype so we choose dogs emphasize the role we choose to play in society and advertise ourselves to perspective partners. (spoken) Now I'll just email this to that magazine editor who publishes my relationship papers. And I'm done (gets up and leaves)

Man's Best Friends -Scene IV

(Back at Brian's apartment with Thomas licking his left side three times and then his right side three times and rotate as Brain and Mike walk in)
Mike (dog): Why don't you stick to one side till it's done?
Thomas (cat): It won't even out then.
Brian (man): (adoringly reaching down for Thomas) It won't matter because in a few moments I'm gonna pet and rub every hair out of place, baby.
Thomas: (running away) Bull crap I've been working on my grooming for the past three hours and I can't have it ruined?
Brian: Why not?
Thomas: Because that would make my day a waste.
Mike: You spent all day licking yourself it's already a waste.
Thomas: And spending the day squatting over a fire hydrant is time well spent?
Mike: At least I don't have to go in the same dirty sand box day in and day out.
Thomas: At least I don't have to leave the house to relieve myself.
David (hamster): At least you don't have to live in the box you defecate in. Can someone clean this cage?
Brian: I will (puts David in a second cage from under his desk, takes the old cage, washes it in the sink and puts it in the dish washer) There it's already in the dish washer.
Thomas: Remind me to never use the silverware.
Mike: Before or after you lick your own butt.
Thomas: Shut up, Brian and me are having a conversation. (to Brian) So how did the chick cruising go? Got any hot babes' phone numbers? Or did Cujo drive them all away with his mug face?
Mike: (defensively) Hey Cujo was a Saint Bernard, I'm a Miniature Schnauzer.
Thomas: Was the difference one dog is the same as another, why do you get to dissect yourself into smaller groups for your own protection?
Mike: What do you mean for your own protection?
Thomas: Well Cujo was a Saint Bernard so Miniature Schnauzers are off the hook from any negative stereotypes in regards to Cujo. But if a cat does something one cat is just the same as another.
Brian: You mean like with white and blacks, how one black man is seen as the same as another black person, but white are divided into a million nationalities, cultures and creeds.
Mike: (defensively) Well that's not true with cats though. Black cats are suppose to be scary, white cats classy and orange ones lazy
Thomas: What about alley cats?
Mike: Unbefriendable, aloof, untrustable, self-serving, garbage eating hobos.
Brian: (brainstorming) That's it that's why dogs are better wingmen than cats.
Mike: I know because cats are untrustable garbage eating hobos but what does wingmen have to do with this conversation?
Thomas: The magazine article he's been trying to write all day numbskull. He's talking about why it's easier for men with dogs to talk to people than men with cats.
Brian: Yeah if you have a cat it can only mean one of few handful of things regardless of the breed of the cat, but if you see a man with a pitbull or a man with a Chihuahua you can immediately tell the difference between them.
Mike: Yeah one has a chain on his wallet and the other rhinestones on their handbag.
David: You never see hamsters as wingmen. You don't even see as pets anymore. We're just some nine year olds toys that the cats eat.
Brian: Earlier you said eight year olds
David: What's the difference? No one listens to me anyway.
Mike: Say something new and we might.
Brian: Look I'm going to work on my report on my bedroom laptop, so Mike make sure Tommy doesn't eat David, David make sure Mike doesn't beat up Thomas and Thomas make sure David doesn't run away. If one of you fails this mission I'll donate you all to underprivileged inner city kids from an under funded orphanage.
Thomas: But they have bad food
David: Poor supervision
Mike: And no chew toys
Brian: Exactly

Man's Best Friends -Scene III

(Brian at the park walking with Mike at a private area while Mike looks for a spot to urinate)
Brian (man): Now remember, we're in public so don't say anything I might respond to because if I say something out of the blue people will think I'm crazy.
Mike (dog): Obviously Doctor Doolittle. Don't worry if for nothing else I'm not going to ruin my meal ticket.
Brian: Good to know your priorities are straight
Mike: Don't bite the hand that feeds you
Brian: You did last night?
Mike: Well don't disturb me when I'm with Missy.
Brian: The Yorkshire Terrier?
Mike: No, the Scottish Terrier
Brian: How come dogs can have multiple sexual partners without the females getting mad?
Mike: Because it's for reproduction not pleasure
Brian: You seem to enjoy it a lot?
Mike: Hey as long as the females think that we get a good thing going and I'm not going to mess it up.
(Brian spots Elizabeth the librarian across the field reading Cyrano De Bergerac on a park bench)
Brian: (worried) Mike did you forget this is the time and day Elizabeth the librarian reads in the park?
Mike: (fake casual) It is? Damn my ADD. By the way can you see what she's reading?
Brian: It looks like Cyrano De Bergerac.
Mike: That's what I thought; I saw her walk out of the book store on my walk the other day. You are so in.
Brian: How?
Mike: First I know you recommended that book to her, you've told me about every hour since you did it last week and second if she likes the main character you are so freakin' in.
Brian: What if she hates the book, what if she thinks it is some fluff of over idealized love and passion by some emotional lonely freak?
Mike: Think about it, has any woman said that about any romantic play in history?
Brian: No
Mike: So don't worry.
(Mike leads Brian out casually to the bench where Elizabeth is sitting)
Brian: (casual and nervous) Oh hi Elizabeth it's wonderful to see you today out here in the park, so what are you reading?
Elizabeth: (chuckles and smiles) Are you always this nervous or just around me?
Brian: (gasps) I'm not nervous, well I am but don't take it personally I'm like this with everyone actually, it's nothing in particular.
Elizabeth: (comfortingly and casual) Well don't worry (she gets up and reaches out to hold Brian's shoulder as Brian gets noticeable awkward) social situations get better with experience and before you know it you can have perfectly normal human interactions and then even a comfortable relationship. (she leaves)
Brian: Another day another conversation (frustrated) another pity comfort compliment. God. This is frustrating; do you think she's on to my crush?
Mike: It's sort of obvious and then again sort of not, if she sees you act nervously around others what you did would seem perfectly natural. She kind of shot you down earlier than I thought she would.
Brian: (sarcastically) Thanks for the verification.

Man's Best Friends Animated Sitcom Scene II

(Brian sitting blankly at a computer next to the hamster cage)
Brian (human): I still can't remember what I was going to write about? (momentary pause) oh yeah why do dogs make better wingmen than cats?
David (hamster): Yeah how come hamsters never make good wingmen? No one ever tries using us to pick up chicks. We're always adopted by neglectful absent minded eight year olds left to be eaten by their sister's cats.
Thomas (cat): (walking by) Well that's your guys' fault for being so delicious. (David looks in fear)
Brian: (reassuring) Don't worry David I won't let Thomas eat you.
David: No you will, you always loved that stupid old fat cat more than me, I mean he's the threat so he should be locked up in this cage.
Brian: He can't fit in there you know that.
David: Oh so the prison isn't up to the criminal's standards
Brian: He's not a criminal. Thomas hasn't done anything wrong.
David: Not yet
Brian: I'm going to get a drink (gets up and goes to kitchen)
Thomas: (jumps up to the desk next to the cage) Look, David I have a good thing going here, don't get me in trouble.
David: (scared) Why? What are you doing to do? Eat me? Bite my head off? Come on tell me and get it over with.
Thomas: Gawd dang you're a nervous little bugger (jumps down as Brian enters with a peanut butter sandwich, a coke and a scrap of fish for Thomas he tosses on the ground)
David: I can never trust a meat eater.
Thomas: Brian eats meat, just not around you. (Brian looks back at Thomas in shock while David is petrified)
David: (anxious) Is this true? Why have you deceived me? Are you planning on eating me? I should have known. You're always watching that creepy Twilight Zone episode.
Brian: David humans are carnivorous by nature, but we don't eat hamsters.
David: What do you eat?
Brian: Cows, chicken, pigs, fish in some lands they eat cats and dogs. (Thomas looking unfazed licking himself clean)
Thomas: So what? Like you'd eat me. (continuing licking self)
David: Did you say humans eat cows, chickens and pigs?
Brian: Yeah?
David: Aren't those rather large animals?
Brian: So?
David: I seldom see you eat more than one peanut butter sandwich at a time how can humans eat an entire cow, pig or even chicken?
Brian: Well more than one human eats each cow and pig, which is good because pigs and cows then don't have to die for each person.
Thomas: Unless humans eat alone.
David: What about the chicken?
Thomas: Humans only eat the breasts, legs, thighs and wings and throw the rest away.
David: Freudian freaks. (sarcastically) Now that I'm done with the fun parts let's throw the rest away. (animals laugh)
Brian: Shut up you rodent diners and pellet muncher.
Thomas: Carcass dumper
Mike (dog) : (comes in main room) Hey Brian, could you please take me for a walk?
Brian: (anxious) I'd be thrilled to. (gets up and goes out with Mike)

Man's Best Friends Animated Sitcom Scene I

(Brian Becque lying in bed asleep with Thomas the alley cat on the pillow next to his head)
(Knocking at Brian's bedroom door)
Mike (dog): Hey Brian let me back in, jees do we have to go through this every time I go to bathroom at night
(Brian gets up and opens the door to let Mike the schnauzer dog in)
Brian (human): Well the door was unlocked Mike.
Mike: Yeah but it was shut. How am I supposed to open it? With my teeth
Brian: Well you can always open the peanut butter jar
Mike: That's because you never shut it all the way.
Brian: What's the harm in that, it's not like this apartment is roach infested?
Mike: No just a dog, a cat and a hamster, all of whom have free range over this place except that hamster David (concerned) all day he is just stuck in that glass cage.
Brian: Yeah I think that's why he's so depressed.
Thomas (cat): I don't know what he's so depressed about he and Brian are the only ones not to get neutered.
Mike: (fake puzzled) You were neutered? Just kidding. But as to Brian's theory about the glass case depression I agree as it is actually just a fish tank you're keeping him in.
Brian: So what? It's dried out, now
Mike: Yeah but not when you first put him in there.
Brian: The water was so clear how could I remember if I already drained the water?
Thomas: Maybe the dead fish floating on top would have been a clue?
Mike: Yeah, but I'm still traumatized by what happened to the fish, are you going to flush all your dead pets down the toilet, because that would be kind of rude ya know.
Brian: God, I flush one fish down the drain and I never hear the end of it. I mean you're a dog, you'll eat whatever scraps of carcass is in smelling distance.
Mike: Not a friend's dead carcass, you know that, that's why dogs don't eat their mothers.
Brian: (sarcastically) Well as enjoyable as a nice conversation about carnal consumption is, I have a busy day ahead of me.
Thomas: You're a freelance journalist, you work at home.
Brian: Well I still have a social life.
Mike: Oh please you spend half your day watching Monty Python's Flying Circus, then you go back to your room to vege out to the Beatles or Pink Floyd.
Brian: Well social interaction is hard for me.
Thomas: When's the last time you saw your therapist?
Brian: I don't have one anymore, I couldn't afford one. Besides you guys are my therapists.
Thomas: And we're your job coach
Mike: And we're your confidants
Thomas: And we're your dating service.
Mike: Yeah and if I'm going to help you pick up women please let me have some for myself.
Brian: You can't get it on with a Yorkshire Terrier right in front of our apartment building. And while I'm at it don't greet my dates with a leg humping.
Mike: Like you're any smoother.
Thomas: Look you should come to me about dating; cats know how to make the aloof goof thing work for you.
Mike: (sarcastically) Yeah that's why cat walkers get all the women
Brian: That gives me an idea for my next article: Why Do Dogs Make Better Wingmen? I mean winning a cat's affection would be more impressive to a woman, so why do they date dog lovers?
Thomas: Women are attracted to dumb brutes and anyone who is likewise attracted to dumb brutes.
(Mike bites Thomas' neck and Brian smacks Brian with a newspaper)
Brian: Maybe I should go back to professional help with a counselor and a job coach.
Mike: Yeah it would be healthy to get to the point where you can have a real job interacting with people.
Brian: Yeah but the last time I tried government assisted work training I felt like I was in special ed classes (mocking) Now Brian what is it we never talk about in public?
Thomas: Religion
Mike: Politics
Brian: And sex!
Mike: Yeah right, every store I walk by with you all I hear from others is"fascist right wing" "communist left wing" "smut peddlers" "tree huggers" "flag burners"
Thomas: "Cross burners" "holy roller" "Bible thumping fundamentalist" "space age guru" "intellectual god-hating atheists"
Brian: Butts, breasts and genitals.
Thomas: Just remember the basic rule for politics, religion and sex. It's all Machiavelli disguised as Christ.
Mike: True that.
Brian: Right, now what was my next article going to be about again?
Mike: (gnawing himself) What article?
Thomas: Wow that's a record. A five minute conversation without being distracted by your own butt. I think your ADD is fading away nicely.
Mike: You're one to talk; being obsessive compulsive is just as bad. Every time you get off that pillow you have to circle it counterclockwise three times, jump on the desk, then to the window, then to the dresser and then out the door.
Thomas: No I don't
Mike: Try leaving that pillow without doing it right now
Thomas: Okay (Thomas walks three times counterclockwise around the pillow, jumps to the desk, window sill, dresser and to the door) See?
Mike: (distracted) See what?
Thomas: (to himself) Dogs are so stupid. You can't lose an argument with someone who never remembers what the point is.