No Offense Taken "Everybody Expects...(a tribute to Monty Python)"

(doorbell ringing)
Man: (gets off the couch to the door) Oh my god it's those damn Witnesses again (answers the door to two ordinarily dressed men) Oh thank God I thought you guys were Jehovah's Witnesses
Knocker One: I know (two men undress into suit clothing) EVERYBODY EXPECTS JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!!!
Man: (whining) Why must you do this?
Knocker Two: For a very basic reason Scriptural Command!
Knocker One: And concern for the well being of man's relationship with God!
Knocker Two: And faith in God's will!
Knocker One: And rigorous routine.
Knocker Two: And because we don't have much else to do (Man shuts door and reenters house)
Knocker One: Oh crap I left my magazines in the car (leaves)
Knocker Two: We'll be right back (follows Knocker One)

No Offense Taken "President Wartime Press Conference"

Interviewer: Mr. President you say God told you to go ahead with the war?
President: Yes He told me He would back this war for it was part of His plan.
Interviewer: He said it was part of His plan?
President: Yes it was prophesied specifically in the Bible.
Interviewer: Where at?
President: In Revelation
Interviewer: What is the context of this prophesy?
President: Something about Armageddon I believe He said

No Offense Taken "Government Education Film On Drugs"

(Black and white film screen with an action hero addressing the audience)
Dr. Dooright: Hello I'm superhero Dr. Door-right Doo-right. Start again. (walks off reenters) Hey kids I'm superhero Dr. Doo-Right and I'm here to tell you how to do right by me. Today, in our first of a long series of adolescent education features we'll be addressing drugs. Some drugs are bad and some drugs are good, but unlike people you cannot tell the difference simply by looking at them. No it's more complicated than that. You have to look at how the drug is packaged. If it's in a bottle like (shows products) Prozac, Aleve or horse tranquilizers you know it's safe. Now here is where it gets difficult, if it is a rolled cylinder substance like (shows products) tobacco or marijuana you have to distinguish it by the odor it puts out. If it's herbal it's dangerous and should never be used, but if it's nicotine with a hint of arsenic, ammonia, cyanide, carbon monoxide and or menthol you know it is completely safe. The simplest method is if you find it in your local pharmacy it's safe, that includes everything: the crayons, the glue, the aerosol spray cans and the paint.If it's not report to us any fatalities and start a petition for a congressional bill to put a label on the product in question, that is if you can successfully sue the company that made and distributed the product in question. So that's all and until next time watch out.

No Offense Taken "Millionare Lobbyist Group"

(a lobbyist and a senator playing on a golf course)
Lobbyist: (hands senator a large sum of cash) This game is on me.
Senator: Thank you sir.
Lobbyist: Mind you that money is a personal gift not for campaign favors.
Senator: I wouldn't dream of it, this is just a friendly golf game.
Lobbyist: (whispering) You do know you actually owe me right because I'm recording this whole proceeding and I might lose the tape if you don't make this game eventful.
Senator: (nervous) Of course I know, don't toy with me sir just tell me what you want.
Lobbyist: (casually) I don't know what you could be so concerned about, unless you're obviously stressed about the economy
Senator: (calmly) Yes, yes I mean with all these layoffs and people losing their pensions that means...
Lobbyist: (interrupting) We're on the right track (hands another large sum of money.)
Senator: Of course we have to fight tough to beat the Japs and the Krauts in the market today.
Lobbyist: But we need to do more, the Japs and the Krauts are killing us in the motor market with their bleeding heart liberal hybrids. Our SUVs are only up three percent, we had to layoff ten percent of the factory workers to protect our Christmas bonuses. This is sad since our lab scientists say global warming is a fraud, could you help them raise their concern to the public?
Senator: Of course. I have connections with several radio and television media stations.
Lobbyist: Good and also (hands more money) tobacco is a hard product to sell with tough laws against teenagers buying cigarettes.
Senator: (offended) No I can't let you sell that shit to children you sick bastard!
Lobbyist: No I need to let cigarettes be payable with food stamps with the government reimbursing us for the products we sell from the welfare moochers and also could we make the surgeon general's warning to a smaller font?
Senator: Like what?
Lobbyist: Five font in cursive to give it a fancy elegant style. Oh and limit the amount of money the government and non-profit agencies can use to advertise over the media, those anti-tobacco groups are about as bad as the better business bureau.
Senator: Of course is that all
Lobbyist: Until the next game

No Offense Taken "Televangelist Salesman"

(700 Club/Shopping Network set up with Priest standing behind a desk)
Priest: Hello and welcome to St. John's Salvation Hour. It's a televangelist show that doesn't preach high mightiness and snobbery as that tends to turn away viewers and is therefore less profitable. Anyway, first up on this show I'm going to read some letters sent by fans and then show some souvenirs you can order from us, then reply to some hate mail and if we still have time we'll do our daily scriptural reading. Okay. If you would like to read ahead I suggest you can do it during the third segment not the first two, if you can't hold out do it now because you won't want to miss the second segment. Today's scripture is John 2:16. That's John 2:16 not John 3:16. So that said let's begin. The first letter comes from Los Angeles, California from a Mr. Timbs it reads (reads letter) "Dear St. John's Salvation Hour cast and crew, I am a local librarian who would like to thank you for recommending the book The Bible. I thought it was the best book since The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin and is right up there with The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx" (closes letter) well there's no account for taste except with God, he hates bad taste, now let's move on to the merchandise, oh wait I still have a couple more letters how silly of me. First Mr. Crumpus from Rutland, Vermont. He writes (reads letter) "Dear St. John's I am a preacher from Vermont who has a conflict of conscience and it seems contradictory that I patriotically endorse war when I as a preacher am meant to teach against raising arms in the bloodshed of our Christian brothers." (closes letter) Well to put your mind at ease for the past fifty years America has stuck to bombing Muslims and other atheists. A similar letter comes from someplace in Italy or Germany I couldn't tell I speak tongues not gibberish anyway to address our foreign Christian brothers I would like to say your governments are evil liberalists without the death penalty or even a bleeding army so it doesn't matter since passively following Satan's ways you'll all burn in hell. Go American Christians except for Quakers, Mennonites and Jehovah's Witnesses but that goes without saying, bunch of weirdos god. Now it's home shopping time with our first product of The Virgin Mary (holds picture frame of Bettie Page with a whip) (looks and is shocked double take glance) oh my god how did that get here? We use the same set as talk show host Jerry the Shock Jock and His Cheerleading Mascot, that's probably how it got here anyway once we get some real money we'll just move to a holier network they can hardly afford my five thousand a week salary but mind you that's without medical insurance so I have to pay for my own medication unlike some dirty smutty commies I know who need someone to pay for their Zoloft, if they were righteous in God's eyes they'd rejoice in (holding gold plated cross) this gold plated wood carving of Jesus crucified but unlike many other crosses this one is in graphic detail so you can see the blood dripping from the palms of Lord Jesus. If you like that call 1-937-777-7776. Next a carved plaque (holding plaque) of the scripture John 3:16 not to be confused with today's reading which is John 2:16. This is the classic John 3:16. If you like this item call 1-937-666-6667. Now for the final part where I answer hate mail from the typical heathens, homosexuals, evolutionists and pacifists The first letter says Dear St. John's you've been cancelled signed Channel 27 management. What the hell?

No Offense Taken "School Attendence"

(Small suburban town)
Voice Over: (sinister) Today in suburban America there is a menace to society, a threat to our very existence, a risk to our very way of life, a hazard so dangerous that my wasting of your time with this inane build up is simply putting you at greater risk. This (slows down confusedly) dangerously menacing risky hazardous threatening thing is happening right as we speak. It is TRUANCY. Yes everyday dozens of hundreds of kids are skipping school to go do as they please at the many other (sales pitch voice) wonders that are Suburban American. The gas station, the supermarket, the library, the park, the donut shop, the police station. All of which are walking distance of the safe white community with low 19% city tax (lower tone) plus 15% school tax (sales pitch voice) so if you would like to live in this peaceful, uneventful, politely distant and stuck-up place of status quo heaven please call Whitey Real Estate Homes Inc (normal) sorry back to the main subject (in subtitles) that previous advertisement brought to you by Whitey Real Estate Home Inc Anyway this hundreds of thousands of kids are out walking the streets without the proper permits as instructed by City Counsel under police ordinance and the Municipal Constitution page five paragraph three prohibiting all non motor transportation without a permit. What's more these kids are depriving themselves of the finest education the government can censure I mean money can buy. The snack machines in the hall practically pay for themselves after thirty years. But the public need not worry about the truancy because as always the authorities never bring up a problem without having a real half-ass solution. As we know there are too many people in public prisons so arresting these juvenile delinquents would not suffice, well actually that wouldn't matter because we like shoving as many people as we can into prisons and watch as the prison guards and the prisoners themselves go on gang wars, shooting and stabbing until one prisoner is remaining who can enjoy our state paid gyms and color tvs luxuriously free of any gang beatings or anal rape. But we decided not to put the children there for the simple fun of our next brainstorming idea. We decided to let all the sex criminals especially the pedophiles out of jail free to roam the suburban streets to do as they please without fear of prosecution anywhere excluding school property from the hours of eight in the morning to four in the afternoon. (scene of children running screaming from a man) That's right any kids out of school during school hours are free game for the dirtiest most perverted minds ever locked up in America. With the streets so unsafe kids will flock back to school away from the suburban nightmare that is lurking around them. But don't worry because the police come out at four to round up the creepy criminals before the kids leave school to put them back in prison where they are most assuredly gang raped and beaten to a bloody pulp. If the cops can not find all the pedophiles the kids will remain at school with their trusted school teachers, principals and counselors (creepy shots of school personnel getting too close to students) until every last threat to your children is locked up.

No Offense Taken "Not In Stock"

This based on an observation that I noticed about what offends people and how it affects the marketability of items like if you want to find a Public Enemy or Rage Against The Machine album but WalMart only carries edited Kid Rock cds

(customer at customer's service at a DVD/CD/book/video game store)
Customer: Hello
Salesclerk: Hi how may I help you?
Customer: Yes do have The Catcher In The Rye?
Salesclerk: No sir
Customer: (surprised) Why not?
Salesclerk: Well it wouldn't sell much around here so we just don't stock it.
Customer: Why wouldn't it sell it's a classic.
Salesclerk: It is also deemed profane and this is the Bible belt so most people wouldn't buy it. But we have a vest collection of erotica like this one. (holds book) We have a special sale on this one. It's about a lonely housewife who sleeps with the gardener only to find out that the husband paid him to kill her so he could leave her without a divorce settlement.
Customer: No, no. You kinda gave that one away didn't you?
Salesclerk: My mother loves it. She reads everything Mary Wiggins writes.
Customer: I see you have a lot of video games, do you per chance have a copy of Wizards & Warriors or Dungeons & Dragons?
Salesclerk: No once again this is the Bible belt we don't even carry Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings but we do have every version of Mortal Kombat and Grand Theft Auto released yet.
Customer: I see (under his breathe) suppose violence is okay just as long as there's no magic, makes sense since the Jesus freaks are known for their scientific curiosity as well as their humanity (returning to normal) Well perhaps you have Nirvana or 2Pac?
Salesclerk: No 2Pac is gangsta rap what with the violence and profanity but we do have Eminem and as for Nirvana they've been linked to drug dependency and suicidal behavior...
Customer: (interrupting) By who?
Salesclerk: By the clergy and the police.
Customer: Both?
Salesclerk: Well they're the same thing here but as I was saying if you like hard rock we got Metallica, Guns N Roses and Motley Crue.
Customer: No I hate pussy and beer rock. Do you have Shaft or Foxy Brown?
Salesclerk: A little too gangsta they glorify violence against he establishment, but we do have every Italian mafia, James Bond, Prohibition gangster and John Wayne western movie all chuck full of gun fighting.
Customer: Do you have Roots on DVD?
Salesclerk: No racial films are too controversial we can't sell them here.
Customer: How about Ghetto Gang Bangers 17?
Salesclerk: Yes we do right behind that string curtain.

No Offense Taken "Cracking Down On The KKK"

(two experiences lead me to write this skit the first happened at school. This bully I knew was a well known racist at school truly self-described racist and I heard him talking about a sexual desire he had for some black celebrity I can't remember but feel free to assume it could have Halle Berry and I asked him if he was a racist who had told me a few days earlier interracial marriage is "morally wrong" then how could he justify liking black women and he told me that he simply wanted to have sex with her not marry her and the second experience was I asked this white ex-friend of mine if she thought racism would ever end and she said no because "black people would never let it go" and I asked her how could she be such a racist and she said the only reason I wasn't racist was because I found black women sexually attractive or otherwise I would speak like her apparently)

(backstage of a fashion show with two major fashion designers)
Mr. Falentino: Mr. Cunilini who do we have headlining our urban clothing line?
Mr. Cunilini: Well I'm glad to say we got Latisha Krenshaw showcasing our blue jeans and t-shirt products and we have Giesselle Groingwoppenheiger wearing our dreaded rainbow colored business suit and polka dot vinyl pants
Mr. Falentino: Giesselle Groingwoppenheiger, isn't she that temperamental chain smoking drama queen that looks like a transvestite hooker from Auschwitz? Why do we want her modeling our clothes? And why in God's name do we have rainbow business suits with vinyl polka dot pants in our product line?
Mr. Cunilini: (exasperated) Let me tell you one last time Mr. Falentino. We are fashion designers, the most left wing branch of the liberal media, so our job is to change the standard of beauty from the fascist white debutaunt look to a more racially broad scope. We started with tans and fuller lips, then moved on to Latinos and Asians, then to light brown African women with straight hair and to the big booty full body Nubian princesses and all the while we try to make blondes look more stupid, plastic, and anatomically improbable and therefore less desirable thus Marilyn Monroe, Farrah Fawcett, Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears...
Mr. Falentino: But what's the purpose of this?
Mr. Cunilini: Well the more white people find African-American women beautiful and the less attracted they become to European-American women the less recruits enter white terrorist organizations
(Meanwhile at a Klan barbecue with only two Klansmen)
KKKMan1: (mock disgust at a lingerie catalog) Aaugh look at all these disgusting black women in this magazine.
KKKMan2: I know, where are all the white women at? If I wanted big asses I'd screw my donkey.
KKKMan1: You do screw your donkey
KKKMan2: You're right I do screw that donkey I guess black women can't be so bad
(Disclaimer: This was just a skit, the part of the Klansmen was to represent a stereotypical hypocrisy in the beauty standard {ie men who are racist typically commit beastiality} and I don't mean to imply any objectification of women based on either race or looks other than having a broader view of superficial beauty and not taking it so seriously that you only want or only want to be anorexic pale white divas)

No Offense Taken "Masochist In Hell"

WARNING EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE
(though it's not meant to be)

(Gates of Hell with Satan and a cursed man)
Mr. Smith: Good day My Dark Lord and Executioner.
Satan: Why are you so happy Mr. Smith? You're in hell
Mr. Smith: Yes but I'm a masochist.
Satan: So?
Mr. Smith: Well that means I derive pleasure from pain.
Satan: No one derives pleasure from hell!
Mr. Smith: Oh yeah try me.
Satan: Okay first I'm gonna soak you in gasoline and burn your flesh at 200 degrees Celsius
Mr. Smith: So what I used to pour pure alcohol over my genitals, light myself on fire and proceed to jack off (Satan looks shocked and disgusted)
Satan: Okay then, next I'll light some golf balls on fire and shove them up your ass.
Mr. Smith: I did that every Thursday when I brought a hooker home
Satan: What's your fascination with fire?
Mr. Smith: What's yours?
Satan: You got me. Well then would you like to be my bitch?
Mr. Smith: No I like to dominate.
Satan: What the hell?

No Offense Taken- "Vagrant Criminal"

(urban street 10:00pm with a homeless man sleeping on a bus stop bench. Cop car comes and parks at the bus stop. Cop walk out and goes to homeless man)
Cop: (waking him up) All right now wake up now you're under arrest.
Vagrant: What? What for?
Cop: (threateningly) Do I have to remind you that you have the right to remain silent fella?
Vagrant: Habeas Corpus
Cop: (shocked, embarrassed) Oh Damn this one's read up on the Constitution. Well you're under arrest for loitering
Vagrant: I'm not loitering I'm homeless.
Cop: So you're still loitering
Vagrant: Well I have to sleep somewhere?
Cop: Well decent, law-biding, economically viable citizens need to use this space.
Vagrant: Where are they? The bus doesn't come until 7:15 in the morning. Do you see a bus coming (looks around) nope no bus (shocked) but there's a cop car parked in it's place.
Cop: (noticing brown paper bag under the bench) Aha you're under arrest for being drunk in public
Vagrant: I demand a breathalyser test.
Cop: (surprised) I don't have one on me. So stand up on one leg and count to ten. (Vagrant stands on his left leg, while the cop grabs the brown paper sack. The vagrant tries to grab it from the cop but falls down) All right that proves it you're under arrest
Vagrant: So what's in the sack?
Cop: The evidence apparently.
Vagrant: I'll waive my right to a warrant if you just reach in and let me see what's in it.
Cop: (reaches in) Okay fine it's (pulls out Aquafina bottle) Zima disguised as Aquafina.
Vagrant: Do you really think any court in the land will believe that?
Cop: That doesn't matter, what does is now the police department has someone to prosecute in place of all the murderers and rapists we can't seem to catch. Hey if you confess to some of those we can save some court money and go light on your sentencing.
Vagrant: But you were already going to send me to court for public drunkenness?
Cop: Public intoxication, besides that would have been for show, a criminal confession gets more press.
Vagrant: Fine I did it all what are the murder and rape charges at least I'll have a decent place to sleep, I haven't had one since they closed the homeless shelter to put up a Starbucks

No Offense Taken "The Meaning of Life"

(professor talking to camera in a library background)
Professor Gumby: Hello I'm Prof. Gumby philosophy professor from Oxford University and I am here to discuss something we at Oxford University have been studying since the foundation of our university in the thirteenth century. It is a subject of philosophy much debated and discussed throughout the history of civilized man. It is the fundamental question of our own existence. It is something that has eluded scientists, theologians and other great guess workers for hundreds of years, until now. What is the meaning of life? Here at Oxford University we have finally found the definitive answer. It was found in a place we almost never looked. And yet it was so obvious. Millions of people in mankind's long history could have found it in their personal library of books, but most have not since it is while being one the most popular books also one of the longest. So despite the millions of people owning the book very few ever read it, at least not with any real focus but here it is (holding a book on a pulpit) the meaning of life on page 672 "the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body" as quoted in the Holy Dictionary. It was rather anti-climatic for us too

Movie Idea- The Sacred Satire Part I The Old Testament

Sketch Comedy
Skit 1) Voice of Narrator vs Voice of God narrating the Creation with audience voice asking what they meant by day, Narrator says Day means a literal Day Jehovah calls Narrator an idiot it wasn't literal how can you create something in a day when there is no measurement of a day in pre-existence
Skit 2) Adam created in God's image and Adam asks God what his penis is for and God has an awkward talk with Adam making God realize he needs to create a woman
Skit 3) Eve and Adam have met but Eve doesn't want to be tied down and wants to see what else is out there and Adam tries to find a common interest and they get expelled for eating the fruit.
Skit 4) Satan tempting the angels of God to follow him by offering them this new concept of becoming a human and having sex. Angels wonder if sex is all it seems to be and they become the Nephilem
Skit 5) Noah and Jehovah debate whether one can fit all the animals in a 450,000 cube cubit ark and how they will eat. Jehovah lays out the floor plan and assures all the animals will fit and behave and eat and survive on a minimal diet
Skit 6) Nimrod starts building the Tower of Babel but God intervenes by setting petty disputes of tribal characteristics (stereotypes) and they split into different languages
Skit 7) Jehovah acts as a real estate agent giving Abraham a great deal on the land of Canaan minimizing the hostility of the neighbors
Skit 8) Abraham lead Isaac to be sacrificed and when Isaac asks why he must be sacrificed Abraham says he didn't think to ask because it didn't seem proper then Jehovah explains it is a test and a testament to Abraham's loyalty to God and God explains the Ransom Sacrifice of the Messiah to come but Abraham and Isaac are confused about the whole situation
Skit 9) Lot is paranoid about the sadomasochistic homosexuals in Sodom and sets fire to the town and tells family they must flee from the "Wrath of God"
Skit 10) Abraham's servant is sent to find a wife for Isaac his master's son and finds a woman quick to marry for her family arranged for her to marry a man she despises
Skit 11) Jacob Isaac's son offers to work seven years for Laban to marry Rachel in front of a dismayed Leah but ends up marrying Leah instead and Laban has his lawyer explain the conditions of his contract
Skit 12) Joseph sold into slavery but the stress of Dinah and the other 11 sons and countless grandsons Jacob honestly didn't notice he was gone
Skit 13) Jacob's family is offered to live in Egypt and they think what's the worse that could happen only to find out the Egyptians planned to make them slaves the moment Joseph dies
Skit 14) Jehovah and Satan place a bet on Job, when the test is over and Job finds out God repays Job and to top it off He'll forbid gambling in the Hebrew Law
Skit 15) Pharaoh decides to kill every male born Israeli slave and the midwives and sorcerer's point out that this will kill off their slaves in a generation but Pharaoh doesn't understand how
Skit 16) Pharaoh's daughter finds Moses and asks who threw their baby slave away in the Nile
Skit 17) Moses encounters burning bush wonders if it is a hemp plant of some sort because he seems stoned thinking he hears voices sees hallucinations
Skit 18) Seven Plagues delivered then Jehovah resorts to three back up plagues
not expecting Pharaoh to be this stubborn
Skit 19) Israelites in the wilderness miss the pagan festivals and sex orgies they were permitted to be a part of in Egypt not so much the food or water
Skit 20) Moses saves Israel from the copper snakes by performing a miracle and the Israelites curse the not quite so scientific methods of Egypt they were using but Moses explains that scientific methodology an medication were important but Israel prefered the miracles
Skit 21) Joshua and Caleb spy on Canaan and our helped by an over hospitable harlot named Rahab, very Castle Anthrax of the Holy Grail like with Joshua dragging Caleb away
Skit 22) Israelites march around Jericho blaring hard rock tunes on horns and trumpets and tambourines and cowbells until the walls fall down
Skit 23) Ruth bitterly complains as Naomi takes care of her in an Israeli old folks home
Skit 24) Samson's enemies come up in his sleep to cut his hair and one enemy asks the second why don't we kill him in his sleep
Skit 25) Eli covers up priest scandals out of nepotism denying any wrongdoing stating it's all extortion and exaggeration
Skit 26) David hits Goliath's Achilles heel by hitting a pebble directly at his nasal bridge
Skit 27) David comes to kill Nabal who he slaved after for protection and provisions but Nabal breaks the treaty then David tries to kill Nabal then Nabal offers his wife only to die later anyway
Skit 28) Solomon wisest king of Israel wants to do a maternity test but the two women's lawyers argue that this science is not conclusive so the attorneys settle on splitting the baby in half
Skit 29) Jezebel tempts the men sent to kill her and saves herself by putting out only to get herself killed by offering a commitment
Skit 30) Elijah resurrects a widow's dead son in private only to freak her out asking what Elijah was doing with the little boy
Skit 31) Naaman gets cured in a straight forward account of Elisha saving him and an acknowledgment to the little unnamed girl who told Naaman of Elisha
Skit 32) Jonah (in a Shaggy persona) runs from God only to be found in a whale as he blames his poor sense of direction
Skit 33) Jeremiah's gives prophesy while Judah laughs at him while at the very moment of their laughing the Babylonians find and capture them
Skit 34) Daniel tells Belshazzar what the writing on the wall means but Belshazzar is distracted by the Medes and Persians attacking the party guests
Skit 35) Straightforward bit about Esther saving the Jews from genocide once and for all