No Offense Taken- Placebo

Announcer: Sick and tires of being a fat obese pig of a woman? Well then get Placebo the miracle diet pill that will help you get shallow men who'll meet your shallow standards to chose, use and abuse you, making you go on an eating binge and go bulimic.

No Offense Taken- Rev. Goldengraham

Rev. Goldengraham: Hello and welcome to the only show that will save your soul. I'm Rev. Goldengraham, but this show's not about me or my Rolex, Mercedes Benz, or Palm Springs mansion but Jesus. You must remember Jeses the Son Of God but God's not important. Back to Jesus. Some of you may be saying "Rev Goldengraham how can I have the power to talk with Jesus?" Well you've got to git de spirit y'all. And you can get it when you call now and give a voluntarily donation of $45.95 plus sal- donataion tax. Yeah there's a tax on donations, well that's Government for ya. Speaking of government here's something for you little kids...Jesus said we must all be like children to enter the Kingdom of Heaven in the sense that we ought to be gullible babes being told what to believe. I'm drifting, back to the product it's the Super-All-American-Patriotic-Product-Placement-Jesus.
Announcer: The likeness of The Super-All-American-Patriotic-Product-Placement Jesus is a registered trademark of the Goldengraham Foundation in conjuction with Golden Calf Toys.
Rev. Goldengraham: Now some of you may be thinking what right does a man who takes sponsership from the Aryan Nation to preach the name of the Lord? Well this toy is proof of my right. I'm doing the Lord's work of preaching his name and his image. By preaching his name and image I mean selling it out like a Hollywood PA exec. To dispose of the rumor of my raging bigotry this toy is proof it's false because it was made by 300 Mexicans in a nice midsize SUV in the warm sunny Death Valley they like the warmth it's their natural habitat. And if that doesn't prove I'm not a bigot what about that hooker out on Sunset...I was converting. So for all your salvation needs call JOHN-216, I'm sorry I mean JOHN-316, there's no JOHN-216. Call now or pretty much anytime and you'll get a pamplet about my presidential campaign on the Reform ticket.

No Offense Taken- The Slim Machine

(Informercial setting)
Announcer: Hello all you insomniac, compulsive, mathematically challenged viewers. Now from Quantam Products is The Slim Machine Deluxe. This item sets you body in repetitive motion so it will really be a workout for your legs, arms and joints. Yes this will give you body cramps in 10 minutes and that is a good sign of a good machine. Remember no pain no gain. But don't just take my word for it. Ask some of our pleased customers.
Buyer: I loved. I lost 50 lbs. Now my body is like a teenager's again (faint)
Product Warner: Warning this product can cause serious spinal and joint damage, fainting, shakiness and serious weight loss!
Announcer: You hear that? You'll have serious weight loss if you get this product. So tubby dial 1-800-BUY-THIS, that is if your fingers aren't too fat to dial. remember if you don't get this product no one will be your friend. After all who will be friends with a fatty? It is all about image, you have no personality you ball of lard and satuated fat. Just call our number 1-800-BUY-THIS because we don't just sell products we also sell the self-esteem we took from you.

No Offense Taken "Annual Contracts"

(a national reservation park office with the head of human resources and a worker)
Mr. Milton: Hello Ahmed
Ahmed: Hi Mr. Milton, what is it you wanted to talk to me about? Pardon the informality I'm just nervous because I heard this wasn't going to go well.
Mr. Milton: Probably. The reason why I called you in is because of your annual contracts you have to sign to continue working in a government funded enterprise.
Ahmed: Yes I signed it.
Mr. Milton: Well this is about a particular article of the contract.
Ahmed: Which one?
Mr. Milton: Do remember signing a confirmation that you Ahmed are not a terrorist nor have you ever given money to any terrorist organization or charity?
Ahmed: Yes that's on everybody's contracts, right?
Mr. Milton: Probably
Ahmed: Probably?
Mr. Milton: I don't write the contracts we contract that work over to Saudi Arabia.
Ahmed: Saudi Arabia?
Mr. Milton: A British company based in India. Anyway the problem is you signed the conformation that you are not a terrorist.
Ahmed: So the problem is...
Mr. Milton: You did exactly as a terrorist would do.
Ahmed: By signing that I am not a terrorist.
Mr. Milton: Yes terrorists are very tricky people they wouldn't just say they were a terrorist.
Ahmed: So if I didn't sign I would still have a job?
Mr. Milton: I will neither conform nor deny that, in case you try to apply to another government funded job. Now if you don't mind that man in the long overcoat will escort to your car.
Ahmed: I came by bus
Mr. Milton: I'm sorry I meant he will escort you to an undisclosed location (another man walks in) Hello Mr. Marin welcome to human resources I'm here to train you on your new job as I am about to retire.
Mr. Marin: You guys hire aliens.
Mr. Milton: Yes, most of them legal.
Mr. Marin: What if you guys were to hire actual aliens.
Mr. Milton: What about it?
Mr. Marin: Well would it still be called human resources.
Mr. Milton: Do you smoke pot Mr. Marin.
Mr. Marin: Yes
Mr. Milton: Okay

No Offense Taken "Everybody Expects...(a tribute to Monty Python)"

(doorbell ringing)
Man: (gets off the couch to the door) Oh my god it's those damn Witnesses again (answers the door to two ordinarily dressed men) Oh thank God I thought you guys were Jehovah's Witnesses
Knocker One: I know (two men undress into suit clothing) EVERYBODY EXPECTS JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!!!
Man: (whining) Why must you do this?
Knocker Two: For a very basic reason Scriptural Command!
Knocker One: And concern for the well being of man's relationship with God!
Knocker Two: And faith in God's will!
Knocker One: And rigorous routine.
Knocker Two: And because we don't have much else to do (Man shuts door and reenters house)
Knocker One: Oh crap I left my magazines in the car (leaves)
Knocker Two: We'll be right back (follows Knocker One)

No Offense Taken "President Wartime Press Conference"

Interviewer: Mr. President you say God told you to go ahead with the war?
President: Yes He told me He would back this war for it was part of His plan.
Interviewer: He said it was part of His plan?
President: Yes it was prophesied specifically in the Bible.
Interviewer: Where at?
President: In Revelation
Interviewer: What is the context of this prophesy?
President: Something about Armageddon I believe He said

No Offense Taken "Government Education Film On Drugs"

(Black and white film screen with an action hero addressing the audience)
Dr. Dooright: Hello I'm superhero Dr. Door-right Doo-right. Start again. (walks off reenters) Hey kids I'm superhero Dr. Doo-Right and I'm here to tell you how to do right by me. Today, in our first of a long series of adolescent education features we'll be addressing drugs. Some drugs are bad and some drugs are good, but unlike people you cannot tell the difference simply by looking at them. No it's more complicated than that. You have to look at how the drug is packaged. If it's in a bottle like (shows products) Prozac, Aleve or horse tranquilizers you know it's safe. Now here is where it gets difficult, if it is a rolled cylinder substance like (shows products) tobacco or marijuana you have to distinguish it by the odor it puts out. If it's herbal it's dangerous and should never be used, but if it's nicotine with a hint of arsenic, ammonia, cyanide, carbon monoxide and or menthol you know it is completely safe. The simplest method is if you find it in your local pharmacy it's safe, that includes everything: the crayons, the glue, the aerosol spray cans and the paint.If it's not report to us any fatalities and start a petition for a congressional bill to put a label on the product in question, that is if you can successfully sue the company that made and distributed the product in question. So that's all and until next time watch out.

No Offense Taken "Millionare Lobbyist Group"

(a lobbyist and a senator playing on a golf course)
Lobbyist: (hands senator a large sum of cash) This game is on me.
Senator: Thank you sir.
Lobbyist: Mind you that money is a personal gift not for campaign favors.
Senator: I wouldn't dream of it, this is just a friendly golf game.
Lobbyist: (whispering) You do know you actually owe me right because I'm recording this whole proceeding and I might lose the tape if you don't make this game eventful.
Senator: (nervous) Of course I know, don't toy with me sir just tell me what you want.
Lobbyist: (casually) I don't know what you could be so concerned about, unless you're obviously stressed about the economy
Senator: (calmly) Yes, yes I mean with all these layoffs and people losing their pensions that means...
Lobbyist: (interrupting) We're on the right track (hands another large sum of money.)
Senator: Of course we have to fight tough to beat the Japs and the Krauts in the market today.
Lobbyist: But we need to do more, the Japs and the Krauts are killing us in the motor market with their bleeding heart liberal hybrids. Our SUVs are only up three percent, we had to layoff ten percent of the factory workers to protect our Christmas bonuses. This is sad since our lab scientists say global warming is a fraud, could you help them raise their concern to the public?
Senator: Of course. I have connections with several radio and television media stations.
Lobbyist: Good and also (hands more money) tobacco is a hard product to sell with tough laws against teenagers buying cigarettes.
Senator: (offended) No I can't let you sell that shit to children you sick bastard!
Lobbyist: No I need to let cigarettes be payable with food stamps with the government reimbursing us for the products we sell from the welfare moochers and also could we make the surgeon general's warning to a smaller font?
Senator: Like what?
Lobbyist: Five font in cursive to give it a fancy elegant style. Oh and limit the amount of money the government and non-profit agencies can use to advertise over the media, those anti-tobacco groups are about as bad as the better business bureau.
Senator: Of course is that all
Lobbyist: Until the next game

No Offense Taken "Televangelist Salesman"

(700 Club/Shopping Network set up with Priest standing behind a desk)
Priest: Hello and welcome to St. John's Salvation Hour. It's a televangelist show that doesn't preach high mightiness and snobbery as that tends to turn away viewers and is therefore less profitable. Anyway, first up on this show I'm going to read some letters sent by fans and then show some souvenirs you can order from us, then reply to some hate mail and if we still have time we'll do our daily scriptural reading. Okay. If you would like to read ahead I suggest you can do it during the third segment not the first two, if you can't hold out do it now because you won't want to miss the second segment. Today's scripture is John 2:16. That's John 2:16 not John 3:16. So that said let's begin. The first letter comes from Los Angeles, California from a Mr. Timbs it reads (reads letter) "Dear St. John's Salvation Hour cast and crew, I am a local librarian who would like to thank you for recommending the book The Bible. I thought it was the best book since The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin and is right up there with The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx" (closes letter) well there's no account for taste except with God, he hates bad taste, now let's move on to the merchandise, oh wait I still have a couple more letters how silly of me. First Mr. Crumpus from Rutland, Vermont. He writes (reads letter) "Dear St. John's I am a preacher from Vermont who has a conflict of conscience and it seems contradictory that I patriotically endorse war when I as a preacher am meant to teach against raising arms in the bloodshed of our Christian brothers." (closes letter) Well to put your mind at ease for the past fifty years America has stuck to bombing Muslims and other atheists. A similar letter comes from someplace in Italy or Germany I couldn't tell I speak tongues not gibberish anyway to address our foreign Christian brothers I would like to say your governments are evil liberalists without the death penalty or even a bleeding army so it doesn't matter since passively following Satan's ways you'll all burn in hell. Go American Christians except for Quakers, Mennonites and Jehovah's Witnesses but that goes without saying, bunch of weirdos god. Now it's home shopping time with our first product of The Virgin Mary (holds picture frame of Bettie Page with a whip) (looks and is shocked double take glance) oh my god how did that get here? We use the same set as talk show host Jerry the Shock Jock and His Cheerleading Mascot, that's probably how it got here anyway once we get some real money we'll just move to a holier network they can hardly afford my five thousand a week salary but mind you that's without medical insurance so I have to pay for my own medication unlike some dirty smutty commies I know who need someone to pay for their Zoloft, if they were righteous in God's eyes they'd rejoice in (holding gold plated cross) this gold plated wood carving of Jesus crucified but unlike many other crosses this one is in graphic detail so you can see the blood dripping from the palms of Lord Jesus. If you like that call 1-937-777-7776. Next a carved plaque (holding plaque) of the scripture John 3:16 not to be confused with today's reading which is John 2:16. This is the classic John 3:16. If you like this item call 1-937-666-6667. Now for the final part where I answer hate mail from the typical heathens, homosexuals, evolutionists and pacifists The first letter says Dear St. John's you've been cancelled signed Channel 27 management. What the hell?

No Offense Taken "School Attendence"

(Small suburban town)
Voice Over: (sinister) Today in suburban America there is a menace to society, a threat to our very existence, a risk to our very way of life, a hazard so dangerous that my wasting of your time with this inane build up is simply putting you at greater risk. This (slows down confusedly) dangerously menacing risky hazardous threatening thing is happening right as we speak. It is TRUANCY. Yes everyday dozens of hundreds of kids are skipping school to go do as they please at the many other (sales pitch voice) wonders that are Suburban American. The gas station, the supermarket, the library, the park, the donut shop, the police station. All of which are walking distance of the safe white community with low 19% city tax (lower tone) plus 15% school tax (sales pitch voice) so if you would like to live in this peaceful, uneventful, politely distant and stuck-up place of status quo heaven please call Whitey Real Estate Homes Inc (normal) sorry back to the main subject (in subtitles) that previous advertisement brought to you by Whitey Real Estate Home Inc Anyway this hundreds of thousands of kids are out walking the streets without the proper permits as instructed by City Counsel under police ordinance and the Municipal Constitution page five paragraph three prohibiting all non motor transportation without a permit. What's more these kids are depriving themselves of the finest education the government can censure I mean money can buy. The snack machines in the hall practically pay for themselves after thirty years. But the public need not worry about the truancy because as always the authorities never bring up a problem without having a real half-ass solution. As we know there are too many people in public prisons so arresting these juvenile delinquents would not suffice, well actually that wouldn't matter because we like shoving as many people as we can into prisons and watch as the prison guards and the prisoners themselves go on gang wars, shooting and stabbing until one prisoner is remaining who can enjoy our state paid gyms and color tvs luxuriously free of any gang beatings or anal rape. But we decided not to put the children there for the simple fun of our next brainstorming idea. We decided to let all the sex criminals especially the pedophiles out of jail free to roam the suburban streets to do as they please without fear of prosecution anywhere excluding school property from the hours of eight in the morning to four in the afternoon. (scene of children running screaming from a man) That's right any kids out of school during school hours are free game for the dirtiest most perverted minds ever locked up in America. With the streets so unsafe kids will flock back to school away from the suburban nightmare that is lurking around them. But don't worry because the police come out at four to round up the creepy criminals before the kids leave school to put them back in prison where they are most assuredly gang raped and beaten to a bloody pulp. If the cops can not find all the pedophiles the kids will remain at school with their trusted school teachers, principals and counselors (creepy shots of school personnel getting too close to students) until every last threat to your children is locked up.

No Offense Taken "Authorities Film Review"

(talk show setting with three men in cushioned chairs)
Rev. Whelps: Hello I'm Reverend Whelps and welcome to another addition of the Spanish Inquisition (stutters and gathers wits) ah sorry I meant Cinema Digest. Today we will reproach four films....
Sen. Plots: (interrupting) Review four films (slows speech) coming out on special edition DVD.
Rev. Whelps: (confused) Why did you cut me off right there Senator Plots?
Mr. Tobacco: Because you said reproach four films Reverend.
Rev. Whelps: (anguished) Damn, every week. (calmly) Thank you once again Senator Plots and Mr. Tobacco. First of Fahrenheit 9/11 aside from the film there are a few extras including EDITED OUT SCENES.
Senator Plots: Proof that he WAS HIDING SOMETHING
Mr. Tobacco: Yes! But (disgustedly) he said he had to cut them due to time length and (sarcastically) context.
Rev. Whelps: Yeah with all that talk about the Patriot Act and he did not once mention the bright side of this fine Christian Law. Like light toned people without beards don't have to wait five hours to board a plane. Some preachers in Idaho I know really appreciate this.
Sen. Plots: And with all that footage stuff with George Bush you'd THINK George Bush would get to talk on the commentary
Mr. Tobacco: I golfed with the President.
Rev. Whelps: When?
Mr. Tobacco: Well if you look real close you can see the tip of my baseball cap in the golf scene of Fahrenheit 9/11
Rev. Whelps: I thought that cap looked particularly clean. Next Bowling For Columbine a horrible film by the over-prolific Michael Moore (others moan in disgust)
Mr. Tobacco: Not again
Sen. Plots: Yes and he attacks the honorable NRA. Apparently Michael is blind to the connection between rock music and murder, and race and murder.
Mr. Tobacco: Yes he seems to think it's about poverty not race a nice try to cover the truth being as most black people also tend to be poor. (lights a cigarette) He seems to also think the poor are victimized by corporations who happen to want an honest day's wages for a minutes worth of work what's wrong with that? Besides if black people were that poor how come I'm wearing a three thousand dollar suit?
Sen. Plots: Yeah what's more Michael makes an insidious connection between guns and murder. What's the CONNECTION? Guns don't kill people, CRIMINALS with guns kill people!
Rev. Whelps: Yes and on that note let's move on to Life of Brian and I'm going to take this film on my own since I'm the expert on Christ and such. I'll roll by commandment by commandment first there is no other Lord except I your God who lead you out of Israel, well not in this film because they seem to worship this guy Brian strike one. Second Thou shall use no graven idols in worship well they're okay there (hiding his cross). Three Thou shall not use the Lord's name in vain well they say Jehovah (crowd gasps) repeatedly (crowd gasps) in a comic sketch about stoning what was the purpose of that sketch certainly that sketch was in vain. Strike two. Fourth thou shall hold the Sabbath sacred and they seem to rather well. Fifth honor thy mother and thy father but apparently Brian doesn't have a father and his mother was a harlot who dressed as a man in the stoning scene so it was a non-traditional family anyway so strike three.
Mr. Tobacco: (interrupting) But being a non-traditional family isn't breaking a commandment.
Rev. Whelps: How would you know sinner?
Sen. Plots: Well you're the one who told me that.
Rev. Whelps: Shut up, next film.
Sen Plots: What about the other commandments?
Rev. Whelps: It's already three strikes.
Mr. Tobacco: Well you wouldn't let us watch it so we'd like to know about others.
Rev. Whelps: Okay they murder Brian in the crucifix scene.
Sen. Plots: (interrupting) But Jesus was crucified and you said that was a good thing?
Rev. Whelps: Shut up next film Birth Of A Nation a wonderful film from 1915 with dazzling special effects can we show a clip?
(clip: black and white silent montage film of a cross burning, black minstrel show, a buxom white women toyingly chased around in a night gown by a black man on a dilapidated film reel)
Rev. Whelps: Disgusting people (African American stage hand walking behind Rev, Whelps to tap him on the shoulder)
Stagehand: Ah sir
Rev. Whelps: (apologetic) Oh no I didn't mean black people African American people I meant the ones that sleep with or rape I mean rape white women I mean women.
Stagehand: It's not that your show ran over time and we had to cut it short.
Sen. Plots: At what part did you stop rolling?
Stagehand: By the nine hundred thirty second complaint call
Mr. Tobacco: How that's only a third of what we got last week when we talked about cults.
Stagehands: Well Scientology has a lot more devoted followers
All three: Oh yeah

No Offense Taken "Not In Stock"

This based on an observation that I noticed about what offends people and how it affects the marketability of items like if you want to find a Public Enemy or Rage Against The Machine album but WalMart only carries edited Kid Rock cds

(customer at customer's service at a DVD/CD/book/video game store)
Customer: Hello
Salesclerk: Hi how may I help you?
Customer: Yes do have The Catcher In The Rye?
Salesclerk: No sir
Customer: (surprised) Why not?
Salesclerk: Well it wouldn't sell much around here so we just don't stock it.
Customer: Why wouldn't it sell it's a classic.
Salesclerk: It is also deemed profane and this is the Bible belt so most people wouldn't buy it. But we have a vest collection of erotica like this one. (holds book) We have a special sale on this one. It's about a lonely housewife who sleeps with the gardener only to find out that the husband paid him to kill her so he could leave her without a divorce settlement.
Customer: No, no. You kinda gave that one away didn't you?
Salesclerk: My mother loves it. She reads everything Mary Wiggins writes.
Customer: I see you have a lot of video games, do you per chance have a copy of Wizards & Warriors or Dungeons & Dragons?
Salesclerk: No once again this is the Bible belt we don't even carry Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings but we do have every version of Mortal Kombat and Grand Theft Auto released yet.
Customer: I see (under his breathe) suppose violence is okay just as long as there's no magic, makes sense since the Jesus freaks are known for their scientific curiosity as well as their humanity (returning to normal) Well perhaps you have Nirvana or 2Pac?
Salesclerk: No 2Pac is gangsta rap what with the violence and profanity but we do have Eminem and as for Nirvana they've been linked to drug dependency and suicidal behavior...
Customer: (interrupting) By who?
Salesclerk: By the clergy and the police.
Customer: Both?
Salesclerk: Well they're the same thing here but as I was saying if you like hard rock we got Metallica, Guns N Roses and Motley Crue.
Customer: No I hate pussy and beer rock. Do you have Shaft or Foxy Brown?
Salesclerk: A little too gangsta they glorify violence against he establishment, but we do have every Italian mafia, James Bond, Prohibition gangster and John Wayne western movie all chuck full of gun fighting.
Customer: Do you have Roots on DVD?
Salesclerk: No racial films are too controversial we can't sell them here.
Customer: How about Ghetto Gang Bangers 17?
Salesclerk: Yes we do right behind that string curtain.

No Offense Taken "Cracking Down On The KKK"

(two experiences lead me to write this skit the first happened at school. This bully I knew was a well known racist at school truly self-described racist and I heard him talking about a sexual desire he had for some black celebrity I can't remember but feel free to assume it could have Halle Berry and I asked him if he was a racist who had told me a few days earlier interracial marriage is "morally wrong" then how could he justify liking black women and he told me that he simply wanted to have sex with her not marry her and the second experience was I asked this white ex-friend of mine if she thought racism would ever end and she said no because "black people would never let it go" and I asked her how could she be such a racist and she said the only reason I wasn't racist was because I found black women sexually attractive or otherwise I would speak like her apparently)

(backstage of a fashion show with two major fashion designers)
Mr. Falentino: Mr. Cunilini who do we have headlining our urban clothing line?
Mr. Cunilini: Well I'm glad to say we got Latisha Krenshaw showcasing our blue jeans and t-shirt products and we have Giesselle Groingwoppenheiger wearing our dreaded rainbow colored business suit and polka dot vinyl pants
Mr. Falentino: Giesselle Groingwoppenheiger, isn't she that temperamental chain smoking drama queen that looks like a transvestite hooker from Auschwitz? Why do we want her modeling our clothes? And why in God's name do we have rainbow business suits with vinyl polka dot pants in our product line?
Mr. Cunilini: (exasperated) Let me tell you one last time Mr. Falentino. We are fashion designers, the most left wing branch of the liberal media, so our job is to change the standard of beauty from the fascist white debutaunt look to a more racially broad scope. We started with tans and fuller lips, then moved on to Latinos and Asians, then to light brown African women with straight hair and to the big booty full body Nubian princesses and all the while we try to make blondes look more stupid, plastic, and anatomically improbable and therefore less desirable thus Marilyn Monroe, Farrah Fawcett, Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears...
Mr. Falentino: But what's the purpose of this?
Mr. Cunilini: Well the more white people find African-American women beautiful and the less attracted they become to European-American women the less recruits enter white terrorist organizations
(Meanwhile at a Klan barbecue with only two Klansmen)
KKKMan1: (mock disgust at a lingerie catalog) Aaugh look at all these disgusting black women in this magazine.
KKKMan2: I know, where are all the white women at? If I wanted big asses I'd screw my donkey.
KKKMan1: You do screw your donkey
KKKMan2: You're right I do screw that donkey I guess black women can't be so bad
(Disclaimer: This was just a skit, the part of the Klansmen was to represent a stereotypical hypocrisy in the beauty standard {ie men who are racist typically commit beastiality} and I don't mean to imply any objectification of women based on either race or looks other than having a broader view of superficial beauty and not taking it so seriously that you only want or only want to be anorexic pale white divas)

No Offense Taken "Masochist In Hell"

WARNING EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE
(though it's not meant to be)

(Gates of Hell with Satan and a cursed man)
Mr. Smith: Good day My Dark Lord and Executioner.
Satan: Why are you so happy Mr. Smith? You're in hell
Mr. Smith: Yes but I'm a masochist.
Satan: So?
Mr. Smith: Well that means I derive pleasure from pain.
Satan: No one derives pleasure from hell!
Mr. Smith: Oh yeah try me.
Satan: Okay first I'm gonna soak you in gasoline and burn your flesh at 200 degrees Celsius
Mr. Smith: So what I used to pour pure alcohol over my genitals, light myself on fire and proceed to jack off (Satan looks shocked and disgusted)
Satan: Okay then, next I'll light some golf balls on fire and shove them up your ass.
Mr. Smith: I did that every Thursday when I brought a hooker home
Satan: What's your fascination with fire?
Mr. Smith: What's yours?
Satan: You got me. Well then would you like to be my bitch?
Mr. Smith: No I like to dominate.
Satan: What the hell?

No Offense Taken- "Vagrant Criminal"

(urban street 10:00pm with a homeless man sleeping on a bus stop bench. Cop car comes and parks at the bus stop. Cop walk out and goes to homeless man)
Cop: (waking him up) All right now wake up now you're under arrest.
Vagrant: What? What for?
Cop: (threateningly) Do I have to remind you that you have the right to remain silent fella?
Vagrant: Habeas Corpus
Cop: (shocked, embarrassed) Oh Damn this one's read up on the Constitution. Well you're under arrest for loitering
Vagrant: I'm not loitering I'm homeless.
Cop: So you're still loitering
Vagrant: Well I have to sleep somewhere?
Cop: Well decent, law-biding, economically viable citizens need to use this space.
Vagrant: Where are they? The bus doesn't come until 7:15 in the morning. Do you see a bus coming (looks around) nope no bus (shocked) but there's a cop car parked in it's place.
Cop: (noticing brown paper bag under the bench) Aha you're under arrest for being drunk in public
Vagrant: I demand a breathalyser test.
Cop: (surprised) I don't have one on me. So stand up on one leg and count to ten. (Vagrant stands on his left leg, while the cop grabs the brown paper sack. The vagrant tries to grab it from the cop but falls down) All right that proves it you're under arrest
Vagrant: So what's in the sack?
Cop: The evidence apparently.
Vagrant: I'll waive my right to a warrant if you just reach in and let me see what's in it.
Cop: (reaches in) Okay fine it's (pulls out Aquafina bottle) Zima disguised as Aquafina.
Vagrant: Do you really think any court in the land will believe that?
Cop: That doesn't matter, what does is now the police department has someone to prosecute in place of all the murderers and rapists we can't seem to catch. Hey if you confess to some of those we can save some court money and go light on your sentencing.
Vagrant: But you were already going to send me to court for public drunkenness?
Cop: Public intoxication, besides that would have been for show, a criminal confession gets more press.
Vagrant: Fine I did it all what are the murder and rape charges at least I'll have a decent place to sleep, I haven't had one since they closed the homeless shelter to put up a Starbucks

No Offense Taken "The Meaning of Life"

(professor talking to camera in a library background)
Professor Gumby: Hello I'm Prof. Gumby philosophy professor from Oxford University and I am here to discuss something we at Oxford University have been studying since the foundation of our university in the thirteenth century. It is a subject of philosophy much debated and discussed throughout the history of civilized man. It is the fundamental question of our own existence. It is something that has eluded scientists, theologians and other great guess workers for hundreds of years, until now. What is the meaning of life? Here at Oxford University we have finally found the definitive answer. It was found in a place we almost never looked. And yet it was so obvious. Millions of people in mankind's long history could have found it in their personal library of books, but most have not since it is while being one the most popular books also one of the longest. So despite the millions of people owning the book very few ever read it, at least not with any real focus but here it is (holding a book on a pulpit) the meaning of life on page 672 "the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body" as quoted in the Holy Dictionary. It was rather anti-climatic for us too

No Offense Taken

My first idea for a show was a sketch comedy inspired by Woody Allen, Monty Python and Mel Brooks called No Offense Taken Every now and then I'll post a sketch I have written down somewhere