Short Story "Illegal Favors"

Two years of unemployment benefits are about to run up, not that they saved me from losing my house. I still had to sell it and move back in with my mom. At least she wouldn't be alone she said, but my company couldn't keep my girlfriend and I together. Once I was put on anti-depressants after the job loss she couldn't handle the baggage she said. Very considerate now how was I going to find someone who could handle that baggage she just added to me. The more you need someone the less anymore seems to want you, so f*cking much for tribal evolution or the Florence Nightingale effect. It took me ten years to find her, not that she was my first pick. In high school I had a best friend I loved but she, Alison Dunmor couldn't see us as anything more than friends. In college Gabrielle Hayes explained that we, too, were just in the 'friend zone' what a great excuse for not being lovers "oh I care for you too much in a Platonic sense Tom to really have romantic caring feelings for you." When I first worked at the local convenience store on Green Street I befriended a sales clerk with the nickname Pink. I never tried to validate the feelings I had for her because my confidence was broken. It was at my next job across the street at the video rental store that I met the shiprat Teri Wells and it was from that place I lost my job. I lost both jobs, because of the local economy was down. Clarksville was a run of the mill dead end mid-West town with no economic plan applicable to post-Industrial Revolution. We still have a hardware shop, a train station and two gas stations. One gas station is run by a middle Eastern immigrant named Ahmed who is very polite but off putting that is to say he doesn't do small town chit chat. The other gas station is ran by a very friendly drunk who blames bad business on supposedly illegal immigrants and not his overbearing casual Christian talks over overpriced gas. The train station is all but out of business and is simply a tourist attraction to people who want to see an old time relic. The fifties diner next to the station closed about the time my Dad died which was insult to injury as we used to go there and order Love Me Chicken Tenders and Bogart Burgers, but that was back in college and as I am running out of time I'll just stick to current events. Teri Wells is getting married to a guy whose philosophy could make Machiavelli look like a philanthropist. But security was all she wished for and never asked how. Far worse my Mom is dying of cancer, the cancer my father's smoking habit gave her. i cannot explain in simple terms the monstrously conflicted views I have on my parents especially my Dad. He taught me how to be a man usually by example and usually in the Goofus not Gallant sense to use an old Highlights reference. When I was young I always looked forward to Highlights, Reader's Digest, the newspaper puzzle section and the TV Guide. Pardon my diversions but its pleasant to relive some nice memories from the past. But I suppose its too late to look on the bright side although one bright side is I might not have cancer and never will know if I do. It's nice having the house to myself while my Mom's at the doctor, I couldn't bring my ladyfriend here if she hadn't gone and if she didn't go I wouldn't need my ladyfriend over in the first place. She is deliberately left anonymous for her own protection, she only came over as a business favor. It is her hand that handcuffed me, tightened the noose and wrote this note I'm dictating. The noose is not fully tightened yet but it was until one of us thought to clarify matters for the police who will naturally come and question this strange suicide, one that is strange as it can not be easily done alone but aside from this business venture I am alone. Anything missing here in the basement was used as her payment I trust her to use it to get out of this town and a career and a family because we're running very low on them here in Clarksville.

No Offense Taken- Placebo

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No Offense Taken- Rev. Goldengraham

Rev. Goldengraham: Hello and welcome to the only show that will save your soul. I'm Rev. Goldengraham, but this show's not about me or my Rolex, Mercedes Benz, or Palm Springs mansion but Jesus. You must remember Jeses the Son Of God but God's not important. Back to Jesus. Some of you may be saying "Rev Goldengraham how can I have the power to talk with Jesus?" Well you've got to git de spirit y'all. And you can get it when you call now and give a voluntarily donation of $45.95 plus sal- donataion tax. Yeah there's a tax on donations, well that's Government for ya. Speaking of government here's something for you little kids...Jesus said we must all be like children to enter the Kingdom of Heaven in the sense that we ought to be gullible babes being told what to believe. I'm drifting, back to the product it's the Super-All-American-Patriotic-Product-Placement-Jesus.
Announcer: The likeness of The Super-All-American-Patriotic-Product-Placement Jesus is a registered trademark of the Goldengraham Foundation in conjuction with Golden Calf Toys.
Rev. Goldengraham: Now some of you may be thinking what right does a man who takes sponsership from the Aryan Nation to preach the name of the Lord? Well this toy is proof of my right. I'm doing the Lord's work of preaching his name and his image. By preaching his name and image I mean selling it out like a Hollywood PA exec. To dispose of the rumor of my raging bigotry this toy is proof it's false because it was made by 300 Mexicans in a nice midsize SUV in the warm sunny Death Valley they like the warmth it's their natural habitat. And if that doesn't prove I'm not a bigot what about that hooker out on Sunset...I was converting. So for all your salvation needs call JOHN-216, I'm sorry I mean JOHN-316, there's no JOHN-216. Call now or pretty much anytime and you'll get a pamplet about my presidential campaign on the Reform ticket.

No Offense Taken- The Slim Machine

(Informercial setting)
Announcer: Hello all you insomniac, compulsive, mathematically challenged viewers. Now from Quantam Products is The Slim Machine Deluxe. This item sets you body in repetitive motion so it will really be a workout for your legs, arms and joints. Yes this will give you body cramps in 10 minutes and that is a good sign of a good machine. Remember no pain no gain. But don't just take my word for it. Ask some of our pleased customers.
Buyer: I loved. I lost 50 lbs. Now my body is like a teenager's again (faint)
Product Warner: Warning this product can cause serious spinal and joint damage, fainting, shakiness and serious weight loss!
Announcer: You hear that? You'll have serious weight loss if you get this product. So tubby dial 1-800-BUY-THIS, that is if your fingers aren't too fat to dial. remember if you don't get this product no one will be your friend. After all who will be friends with a fatty? It is all about image, you have no personality you ball of lard and satuated fat. Just call our number 1-800-BUY-THIS because we don't just sell products we also sell the self-esteem we took from you.