No Offense Taken "Televangelist Salesman"

(700 Club/Shopping Network set up with Priest standing behind a desk)
Priest: Hello and welcome to St. John's Salvation Hour. It's a televangelist show that doesn't preach high mightiness and snobbery as that tends to turn away viewers and is therefore less profitable. Anyway, first up on this show I'm going to read some letters sent by fans and then show some souvenirs you can order from us, then reply to some hate mail and if we still have time we'll do our daily scriptural reading. Okay. If you would like to read ahead I suggest you can do it during the third segment not the first two, if you can't hold out do it now because you won't want to miss the second segment. Today's scripture is John 2:16. That's John 2:16 not John 3:16. So that said let's begin. The first letter comes from Los Angeles, California from a Mr. Timbs it reads (reads letter) "Dear St. John's Salvation Hour cast and crew, I am a local librarian who would like to thank you for recommending the book The Bible. I thought it was the best book since The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin and is right up there with The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx" (closes letter) well there's no account for taste except with God, he hates bad taste, now let's move on to the merchandise, oh wait I still have a couple more letters how silly of me. First Mr. Crumpus from Rutland, Vermont. He writes (reads letter) "Dear St. John's I am a preacher from Vermont who has a conflict of conscience and it seems contradictory that I patriotically endorse war when I as a preacher am meant to teach against raising arms in the bloodshed of our Christian brothers." (closes letter) Well to put your mind at ease for the past fifty years America has stuck to bombing Muslims and other atheists. A similar letter comes from someplace in Italy or Germany I couldn't tell I speak tongues not gibberish anyway to address our foreign Christian brothers I would like to say your governments are evil liberalists without the death penalty or even a bleeding army so it doesn't matter since passively following Satan's ways you'll all burn in hell. Go American Christians except for Quakers, Mennonites and Jehovah's Witnesses but that goes without saying, bunch of weirdos god. Now it's home shopping time with our first product of The Virgin Mary (holds picture frame of Bettie Page with a whip) (looks and is shocked double take glance) oh my god how did that get here? We use the same set as talk show host Jerry the Shock Jock and His Cheerleading Mascot, that's probably how it got here anyway once we get some real money we'll just move to a holier network they can hardly afford my five thousand a week salary but mind you that's without medical insurance so I have to pay for my own medication unlike some dirty smutty commies I know who need someone to pay for their Zoloft, if they were righteous in God's eyes they'd rejoice in (holding gold plated cross) this gold plated wood carving of Jesus crucified but unlike many other crosses this one is in graphic detail so you can see the blood dripping from the palms of Lord Jesus. If you like that call 1-937-777-7776. Next a carved plaque (holding plaque) of the scripture John 3:16 not to be confused with today's reading which is John 2:16. This is the classic John 3:16. If you like this item call 1-937-666-6667. Now for the final part where I answer hate mail from the typical heathens, homosexuals, evolutionists and pacifists The first letter says Dear St. John's you've been cancelled signed Channel 27 management. What the hell?

Updates On The Preacher Rock Opera and the next Rock Opera Thoreau

I'm thirteen songs into the new rock opera The Preacher. None of the characters go by names just titles. After this rock opera I will start a third rock opera Thoreau. My plan is to put the three together into one production released on a double CD. I figured with about a total a thousand lines of verse it could be encapsulated in less than 160 minutes of music. It's a little too long for a single disc I think, but none of the operas I wrote are worth getting individually but then again there's no music to judge by. The recording will (if it ever happens) will be done in a traditional cast form not the typical rock opera where all the parts are sung by a single lead singer (this I feel will help eliminate confusion in following the story). The title will be simple A Rock Opera Trilogy: Bettie Kaczynski Byproduct Of Society, The Preacher, Thoreau. I'm only half way through the second opera and have no composer, singers, musicians, record deals or studio time but if nothing else I want to leave behind the libretto even if nothing else comes to fruition. I almost forgot Thoreau is about a nature lover who fights to protect his neighborhood from corporate corruption. Primarily corruption against nature, the workers and the consumers. The corporation is a tobacco company hoping to expand its product making in the agricultural setting of the opera.