Thursday, April 16, 2009
Ceiling Cat
(No copyright infringement intended please don't delete I just love lolcats and I want to make it clear these pictures and captions are not my creative works)
No Offense Taken "Authorities Film Review"
(talk show setting with three men in cushioned chairs)
Rev. Whelps: Hello I'm Reverend Whelps and welcome to another addition of the Spanish Inquisition (stutters and gathers wits) ah sorry I meant Cinema Digest. Today we will reproach four films....
Sen. Plots: (interrupting) Review four films (slows speech) coming out on special edition DVD.
Rev. Whelps: (confused) Why did you cut me off right there Senator Plots?
Mr. Tobacco: Because you said reproach four films Reverend.
Rev. Whelps: (anguished) Damn, every week. (calmly) Thank you once again Senator Plots and Mr. Tobacco. First of Fahrenheit 9/11 aside from the film there are a few extras including EDITED OUT SCENES.
Senator Plots: Proof that he WAS HIDING SOMETHING
Mr. Tobacco: Yes! But (disgustedly) he said he had to cut them due to time length and (sarcastically) context.
Rev. Whelps: Yeah with all that talk about the Patriot Act and he did not once mention the bright side of this fine Christian Law. Like light toned people without beards don't have to wait five hours to board a plane. Some preachers in Idaho I know really appreciate this.
Sen. Plots: And with all that footage stuff with George Bush you'd THINK George Bush would get to talk on the commentary
Mr. Tobacco: I golfed with the President.
Rev. Whelps: When?
Mr. Tobacco: Well if you look real close you can see the tip of my baseball cap in the golf scene of Fahrenheit 9/11
Rev. Whelps: I thought that cap looked particularly clean. Next Bowling For Columbine a horrible film by the over-prolific Michael Moore (others moan in disgust)
Mr. Tobacco: Not again
Sen. Plots: Yes and he attacks the honorable NRA. Apparently Michael is blind to the connection between rock music and murder, and race and murder.
Mr. Tobacco: Yes he seems to think it's about poverty not race a nice try to cover the truth being as most black people also tend to be poor. (lights a cigarette) He seems to also think the poor are victimized by corporations who happen to want an honest day's wages for a minutes worth of work what's wrong with that? Besides if black people were that poor how come I'm wearing a three thousand dollar suit?
Sen. Plots: Yeah what's more Michael makes an insidious connection between guns and murder. What's the CONNECTION? Guns don't kill people, CRIMINALS with guns kill people!
Rev. Whelps: Yes and on that note let's move on to Life of Brian and I'm going to take this film on my own since I'm the expert on Christ and such. I'll roll by commandment by commandment first there is no other Lord except I your God who lead you out of Israel, well not in this film because they seem to worship this guy Brian strike one. Second Thou shall use no graven idols in worship well they're okay there (hiding his cross). Three Thou shall not use the Lord's name in vain well they say Jehovah (crowd gasps) repeatedly (crowd gasps) in a comic sketch about stoning what was the purpose of that sketch certainly that sketch was in vain. Strike two. Fourth thou shall hold the Sabbath sacred and they seem to rather well. Fifth honor thy mother and thy father but apparently Brian doesn't have a father and his mother was a harlot who dressed as a man in the stoning scene so it was a non-traditional family anyway so strike three.
Mr. Tobacco: (interrupting) But being a non-traditional family isn't breaking a commandment.
Rev. Whelps: How would you know sinner?
Sen. Plots: Well you're the one who told me that.
Rev. Whelps: Shut up, next film.
Sen Plots: What about the other commandments?
Rev. Whelps: It's already three strikes.
Mr. Tobacco: Well you wouldn't let us watch it so we'd like to know about others.
Rev. Whelps: Okay they murder Brian in the crucifix scene.
Sen. Plots: (interrupting) But Jesus was crucified and you said that was a good thing?
Rev. Whelps: Shut up next film Birth Of A Nation a wonderful film from 1915 with dazzling special effects can we show a clip?
(clip: black and white silent montage film of a cross burning, black minstrel show, a buxom white women toyingly chased around in a night gown by a black man on a dilapidated film reel)
Rev. Whelps: Disgusting people (African American stage hand walking behind Rev, Whelps to tap him on the shoulder)
Stagehand: Ah sir
Rev. Whelps: (apologetic) Oh no I didn't mean black people African American people I meant the ones that sleep with or rape I mean rape white women I mean women.
Stagehand: It's not that your show ran over time and we had to cut it short.
Sen. Plots: At what part did you stop rolling?
Stagehand: By the nine hundred thirty second complaint call
Mr. Tobacco: How that's only a third of what we got last week when we talked about cults.
Stagehands: Well Scientology has a lot more devoted followers
All three: Oh yeah
Rev. Whelps: Hello I'm Reverend Whelps and welcome to another addition of the Spanish Inquisition (stutters and gathers wits) ah sorry I meant Cinema Digest. Today we will reproach four films....
Sen. Plots: (interrupting) Review four films (slows speech) coming out on special edition DVD.
Rev. Whelps: (confused) Why did you cut me off right there Senator Plots?
Mr. Tobacco: Because you said reproach four films Reverend.
Rev. Whelps: (anguished) Damn, every week. (calmly) Thank you once again Senator Plots and Mr. Tobacco. First of Fahrenheit 9/11 aside from the film there are a few extras including EDITED OUT SCENES.
Senator Plots: Proof that he WAS HIDING SOMETHING
Mr. Tobacco: Yes! But (disgustedly) he said he had to cut them due to time length and (sarcastically) context.
Rev. Whelps: Yeah with all that talk about the Patriot Act and he did not once mention the bright side of this fine Christian Law. Like light toned people without beards don't have to wait five hours to board a plane. Some preachers in Idaho I know really appreciate this.
Sen. Plots: And with all that footage stuff with George Bush you'd THINK George Bush would get to talk on the commentary
Mr. Tobacco: I golfed with the President.
Rev. Whelps: When?
Mr. Tobacco: Well if you look real close you can see the tip of my baseball cap in the golf scene of Fahrenheit 9/11
Rev. Whelps: I thought that cap looked particularly clean. Next Bowling For Columbine a horrible film by the over-prolific Michael Moore (others moan in disgust)
Mr. Tobacco: Not again
Sen. Plots: Yes and he attacks the honorable NRA. Apparently Michael is blind to the connection between rock music and murder, and race and murder.
Mr. Tobacco: Yes he seems to think it's about poverty not race a nice try to cover the truth being as most black people also tend to be poor. (lights a cigarette) He seems to also think the poor are victimized by corporations who happen to want an honest day's wages for a minutes worth of work what's wrong with that? Besides if black people were that poor how come I'm wearing a three thousand dollar suit?
Sen. Plots: Yeah what's more Michael makes an insidious connection between guns and murder. What's the CONNECTION? Guns don't kill people, CRIMINALS with guns kill people!
Rev. Whelps: Yes and on that note let's move on to Life of Brian and I'm going to take this film on my own since I'm the expert on Christ and such. I'll roll by commandment by commandment first there is no other Lord except I your God who lead you out of Israel, well not in this film because they seem to worship this guy Brian strike one. Second Thou shall use no graven idols in worship well they're okay there (hiding his cross). Three Thou shall not use the Lord's name in vain well they say Jehovah (crowd gasps) repeatedly (crowd gasps) in a comic sketch about stoning what was the purpose of that sketch certainly that sketch was in vain. Strike two. Fourth thou shall hold the Sabbath sacred and they seem to rather well. Fifth honor thy mother and thy father but apparently Brian doesn't have a father and his mother was a harlot who dressed as a man in the stoning scene so it was a non-traditional family anyway so strike three.
Mr. Tobacco: (interrupting) But being a non-traditional family isn't breaking a commandment.
Rev. Whelps: How would you know sinner?
Sen. Plots: Well you're the one who told me that.
Rev. Whelps: Shut up, next film.
Sen Plots: What about the other commandments?
Rev. Whelps: It's already three strikes.
Mr. Tobacco: Well you wouldn't let us watch it so we'd like to know about others.
Rev. Whelps: Okay they murder Brian in the crucifix scene.
Sen. Plots: (interrupting) But Jesus was crucified and you said that was a good thing?
Rev. Whelps: Shut up next film Birth Of A Nation a wonderful film from 1915 with dazzling special effects can we show a clip?
(clip: black and white silent montage film of a cross burning, black minstrel show, a buxom white women toyingly chased around in a night gown by a black man on a dilapidated film reel)
Rev. Whelps: Disgusting people (African American stage hand walking behind Rev, Whelps to tap him on the shoulder)
Stagehand: Ah sir
Rev. Whelps: (apologetic) Oh no I didn't mean black people African American people I meant the ones that sleep with or rape I mean rape white women I mean women.
Stagehand: It's not that your show ran over time and we had to cut it short.
Sen. Plots: At what part did you stop rolling?
Stagehand: By the nine hundred thirty second complaint call
Mr. Tobacco: How that's only a third of what we got last week when we talked about cults.
Stagehands: Well Scientology has a lot more devoted followers
All three: Oh yeah
Poetry Post 188
Depression Autopsy
There is no one to blame no one is liable
But my pain is undeniable
Even if the source is unverifiable
I can't say its any worse
Not knowing the source
But the mystery is another curse
Mrs. WM II
I can't fight battles I know I won't win
I can only go so far before giving in
So I confess you are my favorite sin
And I come to you with the desire of a million other men
I am not angry or prone to beat
And loyal and honest never cheat
I only convent one treasure
And that's your husband's pleasure
It is my only sinful desire
To be the one who sparks your fire
Media
The media is selling fear to an ignorant crowd
Fear grows to hate then violence speaks out loud
Man fears his neighbor and his friend
Acting like the world is at an end
Six billion people majority seeking good
Most trying to get on the path they should (and most of them would)
Except some exploit the few wicked to distort
To twist man's efforts to try to hurt (or hide in some secluded fort)
I've seen no child molester, drug pusher, wife beater
No abductor, no bigotry, no shorthanded dealer
I've seen no soldier for hate
Not in our natural world, not in our natural state
Nineteen years and all I find
Are people who want love and peace of mind
Except for news reporters who exploit for cash
Toward people they make think so rash
There is no one to blame no one is liable
But my pain is undeniable
Even if the source is unverifiable
I can't say its any worse
Not knowing the source
But the mystery is another curse
Mrs. WM II
I can't fight battles I know I won't win
I can only go so far before giving in
So I confess you are my favorite sin
And I come to you with the desire of a million other men
I am not angry or prone to beat
And loyal and honest never cheat
I only convent one treasure
And that's your husband's pleasure
It is my only sinful desire
To be the one who sparks your fire
Media
The media is selling fear to an ignorant crowd
Fear grows to hate then violence speaks out loud
Man fears his neighbor and his friend
Acting like the world is at an end
Six billion people majority seeking good
Most trying to get on the path they should (and most of them would)
Except some exploit the few wicked to distort
To twist man's efforts to try to hurt (or hide in some secluded fort)
I've seen no child molester, drug pusher, wife beater
No abductor, no bigotry, no shorthanded dealer
I've seen no soldier for hate
Not in our natural world, not in our natural state
Nineteen years and all I find
Are people who want love and peace of mind
Except for news reporters who exploit for cash
Toward people they make think so rash
Poetry Post 187
Tennessee Cabin
I dream of a log cabin in the mountains of Tennessee
With a porch and a balcony
With all natural frontier scenery
A lover in the bedroom waiting for me
Next to a quiet sunlit library
Across from the game room furnished with a couch and tv
Next to a dining room of candlelit intimacy
By a bathroom across from the laundry
To give the necessary practicality
To create an Edenic fantasy
Art
The soul and spirit has only one destiny
That they meet their mortality
All things tangible have this reality
But our message and passions live on
Living active in society when our bodies are gone
Leaving its mark on each generation
The things that last forever are the things of the heart
Purity gives eternity to what you start
And lives forever as art
Romantic Initiative Problems (RIP)
Recognizing love is the hardest thing to do
Next to analyzing the other person's point of view
Knowing what you want doesn't make it easy to find
Especially when moving forward and looking behind
Every possibility miscalculated is a failure
But you can't risk an opportunity just because you're not sure
But gut assumptions often lose to practical doubt
And you're over-comed looking for the easy way out
And it feels safer to submit to silent self rejection
As an emotional form of ego protection
I dream of a log cabin in the mountains of Tennessee
With a porch and a balcony
With all natural frontier scenery
A lover in the bedroom waiting for me
Next to a quiet sunlit library
Across from the game room furnished with a couch and tv
Next to a dining room of candlelit intimacy
By a bathroom across from the laundry
To give the necessary practicality
To create an Edenic fantasy
Art
The soul and spirit has only one destiny
That they meet their mortality
All things tangible have this reality
But our message and passions live on
Living active in society when our bodies are gone
Leaving its mark on each generation
The things that last forever are the things of the heart
Purity gives eternity to what you start
And lives forever as art
Romantic Initiative Problems (RIP)
Recognizing love is the hardest thing to do
Next to analyzing the other person's point of view
Knowing what you want doesn't make it easy to find
Especially when moving forward and looking behind
Every possibility miscalculated is a failure
But you can't risk an opportunity just because you're not sure
But gut assumptions often lose to practical doubt
And you're over-comed looking for the easy way out
And it feels safer to submit to silent self rejection
As an emotional form of ego protection
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