No Offense Taken- Rev. Goldengraham

Rev. Goldengraham: Hello and welcome to the only show that will save your soul. I'm Rev. Goldengraham, but this show's not about me or my Rolex, Mercedes Benz, or Palm Springs mansion but Jesus. You must remember Jeses the Son Of God but God's not important. Back to Jesus. Some of you may be saying "Rev Goldengraham how can I have the power to talk with Jesus?" Well you've got to git de spirit y'all. And you can get it when you call now and give a voluntarily donation of $45.95 plus sal- donataion tax. Yeah there's a tax on donations, well that's Government for ya. Speaking of government here's something for you little kids...Jesus said we must all be like children to enter the Kingdom of Heaven in the sense that we ought to be gullible babes being told what to believe. I'm drifting, back to the product it's the Super-All-American-Patriotic-Product-Placement-Jesus.
Announcer: The likeness of The Super-All-American-Patriotic-Product-Placement Jesus is a registered trademark of the Goldengraham Foundation in conjuction with Golden Calf Toys.
Rev. Goldengraham: Now some of you may be thinking what right does a man who takes sponsership from the Aryan Nation to preach the name of the Lord? Well this toy is proof of my right. I'm doing the Lord's work of preaching his name and his image. By preaching his name and image I mean selling it out like a Hollywood PA exec. To dispose of the rumor of my raging bigotry this toy is proof it's false because it was made by 300 Mexicans in a nice midsize SUV in the warm sunny Death Valley they like the warmth it's their natural habitat. And if that doesn't prove I'm not a bigot what about that hooker out on Sunset...I was converting. So for all your salvation needs call JOHN-216, I'm sorry I mean JOHN-316, there's no JOHN-216. Call now or pretty much anytime and you'll get a pamplet about my presidential campaign on the Reform ticket.

No Offense Taken- The Slim Machine

(Informercial setting)
Announcer: Hello all you insomniac, compulsive, mathematically challenged viewers. Now from Quantam Products is The Slim Machine Deluxe. This item sets you body in repetitive motion so it will really be a workout for your legs, arms and joints. Yes this will give you body cramps in 10 minutes and that is a good sign of a good machine. Remember no pain no gain. But don't just take my word for it. Ask some of our pleased customers.
Buyer: I loved. I lost 50 lbs. Now my body is like a teenager's again (faint)
Product Warner: Warning this product can cause serious spinal and joint damage, fainting, shakiness and serious weight loss!
Announcer: You hear that? You'll have serious weight loss if you get this product. So tubby dial 1-800-BUY-THIS, that is if your fingers aren't too fat to dial. remember if you don't get this product no one will be your friend. After all who will be friends with a fatty? It is all about image, you have no personality you ball of lard and satuated fat. Just call our number 1-800-BUY-THIS because we don't just sell products we also sell the self-esteem we took from you.