Brian (man): (ecstatic) Can you believe it? She naturally likes me! She naturally likes me?
Thomas (cat): Wait Brian, she didn't say she liked you. She said she was acting as if she was dating a stranger.
Mike (dog): Yeah so?
Brian: Yeah so what Thomas?
Thomas: So? So she would be that way with a stranger but you're not a stranger you've known her for months, you are well established in the friend zone.
Brian: Friend zone? What is this a cheesy NBC sex comedy?
Thomas: No more like HBO you're not in high school anymore sport. You have to analyze everything in the worst light possible so you don't over assume yourself toward her.
Brian: What?
Thomas: That didn't make any sense but what I meant was you should always assume the worst interpretation of any verbal or non-verbal statements.
Brian: Why?
Thomas: That way you don't embarrass yourself by being over presumptuous
David (hamster): Don't listen to Thomas. Worrying about the worst outcome only adds anxiety which only leads to self-fulfilled failure.
Mike: Then why do you always assume the worse?
David: I suffer from paranoia and depression you can't just escape that sort of mindset at will.
Brian: (looking around the room panicking) Well what do I do then? (doorbell rings) Is it Friday?
Mike: No it's not. It's Wednesday.
Thomas: That was yesterday.
Brian: (panicking) Well what does that make today?
Mike: God you are nervous. Thursday comes after Wednesday. Friday is tomorrow.
Brian: Well I'll go get the door then (walks to the door and opens it to find Elizabeth at the door) Oh hi Elizabeth how are you, what are you doing here it's Thursday?
Elizabeth (librarian): Yes I do have a calendar and I did look at it this morning. But the reason why I'm here is because sometimes couples meet each other between dates.
Brian: (laughs shyly) Wow you are committed to this whole practice thing.
Elizabeth: Well you should be glad.
Brian: Of course I am it means I get to see more of you.
Elizabeth: (grins) Ah that is so-oo sweet Brian.
Brian: I just get nervous around people especially when they come unexpectedly.
Elizabeth: You never came to someone's place unexpectedly?
Brian: No I have few friends and hardly have the nerve to leave my home here.
Elizabeth: Well are you busy right now?
Brian: (honestly) Yeah I've been trying to work on this article I've been wanting to send to this music magazine.
Elizabeth: Rolling Stone?
Brian: No the Memphis Music Monthly. But I did write this one article for Dog Fancy just this past week called "Why Dogs Make Better Wingmen"
Elizabeth: Oh wow when does that come out?
Brian: Well I just got an email from their editor and they'll print it in next month but I should get the check some time this week about $400
Elizabeth: So you don't work for any particular magazine how does that work?
Brian: Great I don't have to write on one topic week after week.
Elizabeth: No I mean how does the employment arrangement work out? Like how do they hire freelance writers?
Brian: Well I just started when I was twelve sending in my writings into magazines and they just had to start paying me.
Elizabeth: Really?
Brian: Yeah well technically I'm unemployed and the Bureau of Vocational Resources tried putting me through job placement but after several jobs didn't work out they got in contact with some major magazine corporations and see if they would hire a part time writer from their welfare offices and they found a few that would hire and as long as I keep in contact with the editors and keep writing articles I can make some money without welfare but I did start writing articles to major magazines since I was twelve, but without the BVR I wouldn't be getting paid for it.
Elizabeth: One quick tip don't rant and if you do avoid the topics of unemployment and welfare.
Brian: Well why didn't you stop me?
Elizabeth: Well that would be rude.
Brian: Oh should we start all over?
Elizabeth: No just back to that music article you were writing. So what is it called?
Brian: Oh uh "Twenty Five Love Songs For Men Who Don't Like Love Songs"
Elizabeth: Oh well what's on the list?
Brian: A lot of oldies.
Elizabeth: Do you find oldies more romantic?
Brian: Well yeah love songs were less hedonistic and more caring back then.
Elizabeth: Well like what oldies songs are on the list?
Brian: I have a mix tape I'll play it at dinner tomorrow. You don't mind steaks again? It's the only thing I know how to cook otherwise I'll have to bring back fast food on my way back home from the bus ride.
Elizabeth: Fine but could I know what some of those songs are?
Brian: Wow you seem sincerely interested.
Elizabeth: Well that's because I am. I'd like to know what you consider romantic music.
Brian: Well "In My Life" by the Beatles tops the list nexto "Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrill.
Elizabeth: Why those songs?
Brian: Well they're honest. They don't make unfulfilled promises and say flattering half truths yet they are the most complimentary compositions mankind may ever hear because it comes from sincere love.
Elizabeth: That was extraordinarily articulate and beautiful. What are some others on the list?
Brian: "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton, "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys "Cant Help Falling In Love" by Elvis and..
Elizabeth: Elvis Costello? (Brian stares blankly) I'm joking (both laugh)
Brian: No, no then it wouldn't be love songs for people who hate love songs, but (thought hits him and he responds spastically) oh I almost forgot "If Not For You" written by Bob Dylan, but for those who don't care for Dylan there's the George Harrison version. And one last one I have to tell you about and then you'll just have to read it by yourself when you get the magazine.
Elizabeth: But the Memphis Music Monthly doesn't come to Minnesota?
Brian: Oh yeah well just one more before you get bored of listening to me.
Elizabeth: I'm fascinated, my grandparents listened to the same music at their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
Brian: I didn't know fiftieth anniversaries still existed.
Elizabeth: I didn't know Beatles fans still existed until I met you.
Brian: Oh "Till There Was You" from The Music Man
Elizabeth: Wow did you live with The Golden Girls?
Brian: Okay so old love songs are my guilty pleasure, so I like silly love songs what's wrong with that
Elizabeth: (singing) I'd like to know.
Brian: (joining in) because here I go again
Together: (harmonizing) I love you
Brian: Well let's save the rest of our banter for tomorrow. (Nervously) Should I kiss you goodbye?
Elizabeth: I'd love to (gives a quick kiss on the lips)
Brian: You are such a kiss teaser!
Elizabeth: (laughs in shock) Ahh What--tt?
Brian: (flirtatiously in his non casual awkward way) Yeah after all that romantic conversation and climatic build up all I get is a quick peck?
Elizabeth: Well what do you expect?
Brian: This (grabs her closely one arm around her waist and one arm around her shoulders leaning in to kiss her) oh my God i am so so very sorry please please-ease forgive me you don't have to come over tomorrow just don't be mad at me and I really love you as my friend.
Elizabeth: That's alright but other women might not like that and I normally don't but I understand you
Brian: (remorsefully and embarrassed) No you don't (shutting the door)
Elizabeth: (holding the door open) Look. Maybe hearing that somebody understands you is a strange seemingly impossible concept and maybe I don't but I do understand a lot about you and your ways.
Brian: You make it sound like a bleeding anthropology documentary.
Elizabeth: It bleeding well is because you have your own culture, your own world and your own universe but everybody does and the reason I care so much about yours is because you don't act like the center of your own universe or at least you don't expect others to be in orbit of you.
Brian: Before I say anything else could you answer me one question?
Elizabeth: What?
Brian: Exactly how do you like me?
Elizabeth: Like Roxanne loved Cyrano. Other than that I don't know how to answer. Loving you as a person lead me to loving you as a friend which for me inevitably lead me to loving you like a mate. I don't know if like a soulmate. I don't even know f I have one. But I love you.
Brian: Sexually?
Elizabeth: No more than that. If it were only romantic or sexual I wouldn't do small talk with you. I wouldn't have gone on practice dates with you if it was just sexual attraction. You're not just a guy friend and you're not quite a boyfriend. I have an intimate fondness for you that most women don't have for their boyfriends. They skip right pass it and take it for granted. And as much as you remain reclusive and stay in your own world I know and understand you don't take friendship for granted.
Brian: Like a thirsty man doesn't take water for granted in the desert.
Elizabeth: No like a musician doesn't take his instrument for granted. You love others because you are truly in love with love itself not because you need it. You know what a wonderful feeling it is and I almost took that feeling for granted until I met you. Now I'm going to kiss you because I know we both want to (she plunges in and kisses him on the living room couch)
David: So much for the worst case scenario Thomas
Mike: Hey I'm just as shocked as you are by this Thomas.
Thomas: I'm not
Mike: What then why did you ask him to scrutinize himself?
Thomas: Because she like him for him, and what he is happens to be an overly worried hopeless romantic. The scrutiny caused him to let go of any pretentious facade he might put on during a date mainly to impress her. It would have been detrimental since he already impressed her.
The End Of Pilot Episode of Man's Best Friends
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