No Offense Taken "Authorities Film Review"

(talk show setting with three men in cushioned chairs)
Rev. Whelps: Hello I'm Reverend Whelps and welcome to another addition of the Spanish Inquisition (stutters and gathers wits) ah sorry I meant Cinema Digest. Today we will reproach four films....
Sen. Plots: (interrupting) Review four films (slows speech) coming out on special edition DVD.
Rev. Whelps: (confused) Why did you cut me off right there Senator Plots?
Mr. Tobacco: Because you said reproach four films Reverend.
Rev. Whelps: (anguished) Damn, every week. (calmly) Thank you once again Senator Plots and Mr. Tobacco. First of Fahrenheit 9/11 aside from the film there are a few extras including EDITED OUT SCENES.
Senator Plots: Proof that he WAS HIDING SOMETHING
Mr. Tobacco: Yes! But (disgustedly) he said he had to cut them due to time length and (sarcastically) context.
Rev. Whelps: Yeah with all that talk about the Patriot Act and he did not once mention the bright side of this fine Christian Law. Like light toned people without beards don't have to wait five hours to board a plane. Some preachers in Idaho I know really appreciate this.
Sen. Plots: And with all that footage stuff with George Bush you'd THINK George Bush would get to talk on the commentary
Mr. Tobacco: I golfed with the President.
Rev. Whelps: When?
Mr. Tobacco: Well if you look real close you can see the tip of my baseball cap in the golf scene of Fahrenheit 9/11
Rev. Whelps: I thought that cap looked particularly clean. Next Bowling For Columbine a horrible film by the over-prolific Michael Moore (others moan in disgust)
Mr. Tobacco: Not again
Sen. Plots: Yes and he attacks the honorable NRA. Apparently Michael is blind to the connection between rock music and murder, and race and murder.
Mr. Tobacco: Yes he seems to think it's about poverty not race a nice try to cover the truth being as most black people also tend to be poor. (lights a cigarette) He seems to also think the poor are victimized by corporations who happen to want an honest day's wages for a minutes worth of work what's wrong with that? Besides if black people were that poor how come I'm wearing a three thousand dollar suit?
Sen. Plots: Yeah what's more Michael makes an insidious connection between guns and murder. What's the CONNECTION? Guns don't kill people, CRIMINALS with guns kill people!
Rev. Whelps: Yes and on that note let's move on to Life of Brian and I'm going to take this film on my own since I'm the expert on Christ and such. I'll roll by commandment by commandment first there is no other Lord except I your God who lead you out of Israel, well not in this film because they seem to worship this guy Brian strike one. Second Thou shall use no graven idols in worship well they're okay there (hiding his cross). Three Thou shall not use the Lord's name in vain well they say Jehovah (crowd gasps) repeatedly (crowd gasps) in a comic sketch about stoning what was the purpose of that sketch certainly that sketch was in vain. Strike two. Fourth thou shall hold the Sabbath sacred and they seem to rather well. Fifth honor thy mother and thy father but apparently Brian doesn't have a father and his mother was a harlot who dressed as a man in the stoning scene so it was a non-traditional family anyway so strike three.
Mr. Tobacco: (interrupting) But being a non-traditional family isn't breaking a commandment.
Rev. Whelps: How would you know sinner?
Sen. Plots: Well you're the one who told me that.
Rev. Whelps: Shut up, next film.
Sen Plots: What about the other commandments?
Rev. Whelps: It's already three strikes.
Mr. Tobacco: Well you wouldn't let us watch it so we'd like to know about others.
Rev. Whelps: Okay they murder Brian in the crucifix scene.
Sen. Plots: (interrupting) But Jesus was crucified and you said that was a good thing?
Rev. Whelps: Shut up next film Birth Of A Nation a wonderful film from 1915 with dazzling special effects can we show a clip?
(clip: black and white silent montage film of a cross burning, black minstrel show, a buxom white women toyingly chased around in a night gown by a black man on a dilapidated film reel)
Rev. Whelps: Disgusting people (African American stage hand walking behind Rev, Whelps to tap him on the shoulder)
Stagehand: Ah sir
Rev. Whelps: (apologetic) Oh no I didn't mean black people African American people I meant the ones that sleep with or rape I mean rape white women I mean women.
Stagehand: It's not that your show ran over time and we had to cut it short.
Sen. Plots: At what part did you stop rolling?
Stagehand: By the nine hundred thirty second complaint call
Mr. Tobacco: How that's only a third of what we got last week when we talked about cults.
Stagehands: Well Scientology has a lot more devoted followers
All three: Oh yeah