No Offense Taken "Televangelist Salesman"

(700 Club/Shopping Network set up with Priest standing behind a desk)
Priest: Hello and welcome to St. John's Salvation Hour. It's a televangelist show that doesn't preach high mightiness and snobbery as that tends to turn away viewers and is therefore less profitable. Anyway, first up on this show I'm going to read some letters sent by fans and then show some souvenirs you can order from us, then reply to some hate mail and if we still have time we'll do our daily scriptural reading. Okay. If you would like to read ahead I suggest you can do it during the third segment not the first two, if you can't hold out do it now because you won't want to miss the second segment. Today's scripture is John 2:16. That's John 2:16 not John 3:16. So that said let's begin. The first letter comes from Los Angeles, California from a Mr. Timbs it reads (reads letter) "Dear St. John's Salvation Hour cast and crew, I am a local librarian who would like to thank you for recommending the book The Bible. I thought it was the best book since The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin and is right up there with The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx" (closes letter) well there's no account for taste except with God, he hates bad taste, now let's move on to the merchandise, oh wait I still have a couple more letters how silly of me. First Mr. Crumpus from Rutland, Vermont. He writes (reads letter) "Dear St. John's I am a preacher from Vermont who has a conflict of conscience and it seems contradictory that I patriotically endorse war when I as a preacher am meant to teach against raising arms in the bloodshed of our Christian brothers." (closes letter) Well to put your mind at ease for the past fifty years America has stuck to bombing Muslims and other atheists. A similar letter comes from someplace in Italy or Germany I couldn't tell I speak tongues not gibberish anyway to address our foreign Christian brothers I would like to say your governments are evil liberalists without the death penalty or even a bleeding army so it doesn't matter since passively following Satan's ways you'll all burn in hell. Go American Christians except for Quakers, Mennonites and Jehovah's Witnesses but that goes without saying, bunch of weirdos god. Now it's home shopping time with our first product of The Virgin Mary (holds picture frame of Bettie Page with a whip) (looks and is shocked double take glance) oh my god how did that get here? We use the same set as talk show host Jerry the Shock Jock and His Cheerleading Mascot, that's probably how it got here anyway once we get some real money we'll just move to a holier network they can hardly afford my five thousand a week salary but mind you that's without medical insurance so I have to pay for my own medication unlike some dirty smutty commies I know who need someone to pay for their Zoloft, if they were righteous in God's eyes they'd rejoice in (holding gold plated cross) this gold plated wood carving of Jesus crucified but unlike many other crosses this one is in graphic detail so you can see the blood dripping from the palms of Lord Jesus. If you like that call 1-937-777-7776. Next a carved plaque (holding plaque) of the scripture John 3:16 not to be confused with today's reading which is John 2:16. This is the classic John 3:16. If you like this item call 1-937-666-6667. Now for the final part where I answer hate mail from the typical heathens, homosexuals, evolutionists and pacifists The first letter says Dear St. John's you've been cancelled signed Channel 27 management. What the hell?