(Back at Brian's apartment with Thomas licking his left side three times and then his right side three times and rotate as Brain and Mike walk in)
Mike (dog): Why don't you stick to one side till it's done?
Thomas (cat): It won't even out then.
Brian (man): (adoringly reaching down for Thomas) It won't matter because in a few moments I'm gonna pet and rub every hair out of place, baby.
Thomas: (running away) Bull crap I've been working on my grooming for the past three hours and I can't have it ruined?
Brian: Why not?
Thomas: Because that would make my day a waste.
Mike: You spent all day licking yourself it's already a waste.
Thomas: And spending the day squatting over a fire hydrant is time well spent?
Mike: At least I don't have to go in the same dirty sand box day in and day out.
Thomas: At least I don't have to leave the house to relieve myself.
David (hamster): At least you don't have to live in the box you defecate in. Can someone clean this cage?
Brian: I will (puts David in a second cage from under his desk, takes the old cage, washes it in the sink and puts it in the dish washer) There it's already in the dish washer.
Thomas: Remind me to never use the silverware.
Mike: Before or after you lick your own butt.
Thomas: Shut up, Brian and me are having a conversation. (to Brian) So how did the chick cruising go? Got any hot babes' phone numbers? Or did Cujo drive them all away with his mug face?
Mike: (defensively) Hey Cujo was a Saint Bernard, I'm a Miniature Schnauzer.
Thomas: Was the difference one dog is the same as another, why do you get to dissect yourself into smaller groups for your own protection?
Mike: What do you mean for your own protection?
Thomas: Well Cujo was a Saint Bernard so Miniature Schnauzers are off the hook from any negative stereotypes in regards to Cujo. But if a cat does something one cat is just the same as another.
Brian: You mean like with white and blacks, how one black man is seen as the same as another black person, but white are divided into a million nationalities, cultures and creeds.
Mike: (defensively) Well that's not true with cats though. Black cats are suppose to be scary, white cats classy and orange ones lazy
Thomas: What about alley cats?
Mike: Unbefriendable, aloof, untrustable, self-serving, garbage eating hobos.
Brian: (brainstorming) That's it that's why dogs are better wingmen than cats.
Mike: I know because cats are untrustable garbage eating hobos but what does wingmen have to do with this conversation?
Thomas: The magazine article he's been trying to write all day numbskull. He's talking about why it's easier for men with dogs to talk to people than men with cats.
Brian: Yeah if you have a cat it can only mean one of few handful of things regardless of the breed of the cat, but if you see a man with a pitbull or a man with a Chihuahua you can immediately tell the difference between them.
Mike: Yeah one has a chain on his wallet and the other rhinestones on their handbag.
David: You never see hamsters as wingmen. You don't even see as pets anymore. We're just some nine year olds toys that the cats eat.
Brian: Earlier you said eight year olds
David: What's the difference? No one listens to me anyway.
Mike: Say something new and we might.
Brian: Look I'm going to work on my report on my bedroom laptop, so Mike make sure Tommy doesn't eat David, David make sure Mike doesn't beat up Thomas and Thomas make sure David doesn't run away. If one of you fails this mission I'll donate you all to underprivileged inner city kids from an under funded orphanage.
Thomas: But they have bad food
David: Poor supervision
Mike: And no chew toys
Brian: Exactly
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