Man's Best Friends Animated Sitcom Scene I

(Brian Becque lying in bed asleep with Thomas the alley cat on the pillow next to his head)
(Knocking at Brian's bedroom door)
Mike (dog): Hey Brian let me back in, jees do we have to go through this every time I go to bathroom at night
(Brian gets up and opens the door to let Mike the schnauzer dog in)
Brian (human): Well the door was unlocked Mike.
Mike: Yeah but it was shut. How am I supposed to open it? With my teeth
Brian: Well you can always open the peanut butter jar
Mike: That's because you never shut it all the way.
Brian: What's the harm in that, it's not like this apartment is roach infested?
Mike: No just a dog, a cat and a hamster, all of whom have free range over this place except that hamster David (concerned) all day he is just stuck in that glass cage.
Brian: Yeah I think that's why he's so depressed.
Thomas (cat): I don't know what he's so depressed about he and Brian are the only ones not to get neutered.
Mike: (fake puzzled) You were neutered? Just kidding. But as to Brian's theory about the glass case depression I agree as it is actually just a fish tank you're keeping him in.
Brian: So what? It's dried out, now
Mike: Yeah but not when you first put him in there.
Brian: The water was so clear how could I remember if I already drained the water?
Thomas: Maybe the dead fish floating on top would have been a clue?
Mike: Yeah, but I'm still traumatized by what happened to the fish, are you going to flush all your dead pets down the toilet, because that would be kind of rude ya know.
Brian: God, I flush one fish down the drain and I never hear the end of it. I mean you're a dog, you'll eat whatever scraps of carcass is in smelling distance.
Mike: Not a friend's dead carcass, you know that, that's why dogs don't eat their mothers.
Brian: (sarcastically) Well as enjoyable as a nice conversation about carnal consumption is, I have a busy day ahead of me.
Thomas: You're a freelance journalist, you work at home.
Brian: Well I still have a social life.
Mike: Oh please you spend half your day watching Monty Python's Flying Circus, then you go back to your room to vege out to the Beatles or Pink Floyd.
Brian: Well social interaction is hard for me.
Thomas: When's the last time you saw your therapist?
Brian: I don't have one anymore, I couldn't afford one. Besides you guys are my therapists.
Thomas: And we're your job coach
Mike: And we're your confidants
Thomas: And we're your dating service.
Mike: Yeah and if I'm going to help you pick up women please let me have some for myself.
Brian: You can't get it on with a Yorkshire Terrier right in front of our apartment building. And while I'm at it don't greet my dates with a leg humping.
Mike: Like you're any smoother.
Thomas: Look you should come to me about dating; cats know how to make the aloof goof thing work for you.
Mike: (sarcastically) Yeah that's why cat walkers get all the women
Brian: That gives me an idea for my next article: Why Do Dogs Make Better Wingmen? I mean winning a cat's affection would be more impressive to a woman, so why do they date dog lovers?
Thomas: Women are attracted to dumb brutes and anyone who is likewise attracted to dumb brutes.
(Mike bites Thomas' neck and Brian smacks Brian with a newspaper)
Brian: Maybe I should go back to professional help with a counselor and a job coach.
Mike: Yeah it would be healthy to get to the point where you can have a real job interacting with people.
Brian: Yeah but the last time I tried government assisted work training I felt like I was in special ed classes (mocking) Now Brian what is it we never talk about in public?
Thomas: Religion
Mike: Politics
Brian: And sex!
Mike: Yeah right, every store I walk by with you all I hear from others is"fascist right wing" "communist left wing" "smut peddlers" "tree huggers" "flag burners"
Thomas: "Cross burners" "holy roller" "Bible thumping fundamentalist" "space age guru" "intellectual god-hating atheists"
Brian: Butts, breasts and genitals.
Thomas: Just remember the basic rule for politics, religion and sex. It's all Machiavelli disguised as Christ.
Mike: True that.
Brian: Right, now what was my next article going to be about again?
Mike: (gnawing himself) What article?
Thomas: Wow that's a record. A five minute conversation without being distracted by your own butt. I think your ADD is fading away nicely.
Mike: You're one to talk; being obsessive compulsive is just as bad. Every time you get off that pillow you have to circle it counterclockwise three times, jump on the desk, then to the window, then to the dresser and then out the door.
Thomas: No I don't
Mike: Try leaving that pillow without doing it right now
Thomas: Okay (Thomas walks three times counterclockwise around the pillow, jumps to the desk, window sill, dresser and to the door) See?
Mike: (distracted) See what?
Thomas: (to himself) Dogs are so stupid. You can't lose an argument with someone who never remembers what the point is.